Holiday Party Grad Skit 2004: This is CSENN

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CAST OF CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

Jeff Hightower - Voice - just a voice, preferably deep
Kate Deibel - Beth - anchor & (n+1)th year grad student
Sandra Fan - Sandy - anchor & 1st year grad student

Janet Davis - Carla - business reporter
Rachel Pottinger - Martin Dickey 
Julie Letchner - Barista

Kids - Pestering undergrads

Zasha Weinberg - Big-name Scientist (BS) - a mix of a professor and a used car salesman

Nils Gehlenborg - PSA_Student_1
Zasha Weinberg - PSA_Student_2
Daniel M. Grossman - PSA_Singer

Janet Davis - Frances Williams - Faculty in Focus reporter
Rachel Pottinger - Mark Oskin
Daniel M. Grossman - Dan Grossman (with 2 name tags: one "The Younger," the other "The Elder"
Vibha Sazawal - David Notkin
Andrei Alexandrescu - David Wetherall
Andy Collins - Tom Anderson

Vibha Sazawal - Danielle Bellows - PhC health reporter
Julie Letchner - PQS - A sufferer of post-quals syndrome
Nils Gehlenborg - Dan Weld 

Daniel M. Grossman - HANK LEVY

Andy Collins - Weatherman Will

Andy Collins - MBT_ANNOUNCER
Tammy VanDerGrift- MBT_GRAD
Nils Gehlenborg - MBT_UNDERGRAD
Ratul Mahajan - VENKAT

Zasha Weinberg - SCOTT ROSE
Steve Wolfman - Google singer
Everyone - Google fans

Andy Collins - ASSISTANT

Zasha Weinberg - SW_REPORTER
Andy Collins - MOE THURBORD
Kasia Wilamowska - MARGE SORT
Janet Davis - PVT. FUNCTION, 1st CLASS
Tammy VanDerGrift - FRANKYE JONES 
Dan Goldman - the invisible, silent man, who is never mentioned by any visible or non-silent entity in the skit

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Script by: Kate Deibel, Zasha Weinberg, Andy Collins, Janet Davis, Nils Gehlenborg, Neil Spring, Daniel M. Grossman and uncredited other grads.

Grad skit cocoordinators: Kate Deibel and Zasha Weinberg
Holiday Party czar: Bill Pentney
Historian: Harlan Hile

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SONGS in order

Band (left to right): Neil Spring, Ken Yasuhara, Jeff Hightower

'I mailed support' - Scene 4
Lyrics by Zasha Weinberg, Daniel M. Grossman, Neil Spring, Ken Yasuhara
Vocals by Dan with the band

'Working 1 to 4' - Scene 7
Lyrics by Steve Wolfman
Vocals by Steve with the band

'Everybody wants to... Google' - Scene 13
Lyrics by Kate Deibel and uncredited others
Vocals by Steve and Ken with the band

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PROPS/UNUSUAL COSTUMES (in order of appearance)
Ken - slides, at least mostly
Zasha - Faculty Name Tags
Dan - Coasters
Tammy - CSENN Opening Graphics
Kate - Coffee cup (like from Reboot)
Kate - Laptop
Janet - Magic Blue Tape
Two notes
Wall

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SET LAYOUT
                         PROJECTION_SCREEN
  AREA_ONE                            AREA_TWO
                ANNOUNCER_DESK

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Scene 1: [Beth and Sandy are sitting behind their desk, papers in hand]

[FIRST SLIDE: black]

[NEXT SLIDE: cheesy graphic of the world and "CSENN" is projected on the news]

Voice: [very deep, James Earl Jones type voice]: Fair and balanced news with 
log-bounded depth.  This...is C---- N N [pronounced SEEEEE N N].

BETH: [grumbles] Good morning [/grumbles], this is CSENN Morning News
coming to you live at [yawns] 2pm.

SANDY: [interrupts] But isn't this really the afternoon? I've been hear
since 8am rereading the papers for class.

BETH: Annoying first years. As always, we bring you news from the far
reaches of Lindsay's office to the 6th floor printer closets. I'm Beth,
and this is my co-anchor--

SANDY: [interrupts] I'm Sandy! I'm so happy to be here like I am every
day, and I'd like to say hi to all my students from section. Hi kids!
Remember to ask me questions whenever you have them.
[changing to a more dignified manner]. So Beth, what great, happy news do
you have to start out the day?

[NEXT SLIDE: atrium war map]

BETH: In war news, our correspondent embedded in the espresso stand
reports that CSE forces have taken a crippling blow in the battle for
the Microsoft Atrium. [graphic comes up showing 1st floor map with
defined zones of control]. Despite last weeks triple espresso campaign
that seized 5 tables and 4 chairs, an EE counterstrike has managed to
completely surround two CSE tables. It is unknown if our forces will
be able to reach the stranded before their supplies run out.

SANDY: [shocked at this happy news] Well, at least it's only a table
we've lost. [Beth just stares disgusted at her]. [becomes unsettled, but
regains happy composure quickly].  

[NEXT SLIDE: stairwell crisis teaser]

In other news, the Stairwell crisis continues with no hope in sight.  
We'll you bring more on this later.  

[NEXT SLIDE: traffic report intro]

BETH: Meanwhile, here is your morning traffic report, brought to you
by the Rocketfuel project. Southbound I-5 is backed up due to an
accident near the 45th street exit, subnet 3 is experiencing severe
congestion, and expect long delays by the water fountains on the 5th
floor due to lack of pressure. Otherwise, it's smooth sailing.

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

SANDY: Shocking news in the Reboot monopoly case occurred today as a
federal judge ruled against the coffee empire giant. For more on this, we
go live to business reporter Carla Smith. 

[Beth and Sandy turn to their right towards AREA_ONE]

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Scene 2: [In AREA_ONE, Carla is standing next to Martin Dickey near
what is presumably the Reboot stand.]

CARLA: Thank you, Sandy. I am standing now in the Microsoft Atrium
next to the Steve Balmer Reboot Cafe which has been declared by a federal
judge to be an illegal monopoly on the sale and distribution of coffee in
the CSE building. With me is local coffee expert, Martin Dickey. Martin,
can you explain to our viewers the reasoning behind the judge's decision?

MARTIN D: The judge noted that despite attempts of small coffee
establishments like the faculty coffee source, Reboot has dominated the
building for the majority of the life of the building. Moreover, by
forcefully setting the standards for espresso machine implementations,
Reboot forced the Espresso Machine Co-op to continually redesign their
efforts in order to go public.

CARLA: What about the claims that Reboot unnecessarily bundled donuts
and sandwiches within their system of operation?

MARTIN D: Currently, this is still permitted under their operation of being
a cafe. Only the coffee aspect of Reboot has been ordered to break up.

CARLA: What are your final thoughts on this decision, Martin?

MARTIN D: This ruling will be heralded by all coffee drinkers in CSE. Now,
we can have true freedom in our drinking of coffee. No longer must we pay
money to evil empires that restrict our supply of the holy bean.

Barista: I've got a no-foam, low-fat, vanilla capp.

MARTIN D: [raises hand] That's mine. [gets the coffee]

CARLA: [aghast] But...

MARTIN D: Hey, coffee's coffee.

CARLA: Back to you, Sandy. 

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Scene 3: [Back at announcers desk.  Undergrads are pestering Sandy]

SANDY: No, I can't talk to you now.  You'll have to come my office hours.  
Go go go!

[undergrads pester off, all upset]

BETH: [laughing at Sandy] Want to hear about the latest of escapades of
those wacky professors?  This week's Faculty in Focus is coming up after 
the break.  Meanwhile, I'm going to work on my thesis. [pulls out laptop]

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Scene 4: [In AREA_ONE, PSA_Student_1 and 2 and PSA_Singer sit in front of 
imaginary computers.]

PSA_STUDENT_1: [to computer]
Oh man! You stupid computer! What is wrong with you?!
I just want to formulate my theorems.

PSA_STUDENT_2: Oh-oh, I hope I have all the latest anti-virus software...
I hate computers.

PSA_SINGER: You don't have to hate computers.

PSA_STUDENT_2: I don't?

SINGER: No! Instead of wasting your time frustrated in front of malfunctioning 
computers, you should be proving theorems, or running simulators, or analyzing 
test corpi. Listen, I've been in your position before; let me explain...

[NEXT SLIDE: apologies to Gloria Gaynor; transitions for song lyrics
are *not* noted here.  Just listen and follow along.  All songs end
with a black slide, so don't advance beyond that.]

"I Mailed Support" (Zasha Weinberg), based on "I Will Survive"

At [Am roll]*first I was a*fraid, I was [Dm roll]*petrified. 
I couldn't [G roll]*print, my paper's *due, you know I [C roll]*nearly cried. 
(I) can't do [F roll]*much with my ma*chine, 
Been aca[B7 roll]*demic for so *long. It was so [E roll]*wrong... 
But I know *how to get a*long!  Tell me...

Who can [Am]*back . . up project *space? . . .
And *scavenge parts . *when you need your *C-D drive replaced?
Who *gets in here at *six o'clock to *patch up Win-2-K?
I'll *tell you what I *did to get my *problems fixed that *day!

I mailed sup[Am]*port! 
I mailed sup[Dm]*port! 
And in a *[G]flash I got an *automated *[C]work request re*port,
That as[F]*signed someone to *me, 
And said as [B7]*soon as they are *free, 
That they will [E]*fix it. See...life is [E]*good in CSE! 

They backup [Am]*drives, 
*make sure hardware [Dm]*thrives, 
And [G]*software too (ex*cepting uns) and [C]*that e-_mail ar*rives, 
There's dialing [F]*in and networ*king, 
Securi[B7]*ty and web ser*ving, 
So, I re[E]*port: I mailed sup*port!  Hey, [Am]*hey! 

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

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[NEXT SLIDE: faculty in focus]

Scene 5: [In AREA_ONE, Frances Williams is sitting in a chair across from
a row of chairs, containing from left to right: Tom Anderson, David 
Wetherall, Dan Grossman, David Notkin, and Mark Oskin.  Mark is noticeably
asleep.]

FRANCES: Hello, I'm Frances Williams and welcome to this week's edition 
of Faculty in Focus. On our panel today are five faculty whom you might 
not have heard from in a while. Starting on the left, we
have Tom Anderson [waves], David Wetherall

DAVID WETHERALL: [in accent #1] It's a pleasure to be here.

FRANCES: Dan Grossman [looks at Dan, who is wearing a name tag with
"the Younger" on it]. Wait a minute, we want the faculty version, not the
grad version.

DAN GROSSMAN: Sorry [turns around name tag to reveal "the Elder"]. This
happens all the time.

FRANCES: Substituting for James Landay, who apparently could not make
it, is our perennial guest, David Notkin. And finally, rounding out the
panel is Mark Oskin.

MARK OSKIN: [loudly snores]

FRANCES: Will somebody please wake up, Mark?  [Notkin pokes Mark]

MARK OSKIN: [suddenly awake] COFFEE!

FRANCES: No Mark, you're on CSENN, remember?

MARK OSKIN: [puzzled] Coffee?

FRANCES: Yes, coffee. As we near the holiday season, there are lots
of questions that come to mind, but our viewing audience is interested in
primarily one thing, "What do you think will be in the holiday skit this
year?" [turning to Dan] Now Dan, as the newest faculty, you've never been
witness to a holiday skit, but do you have any thoughts on what will be in
it?

DAN GROSSMAN: No, not really, but I assume there will be plenty of jokes 
about how our departmental e-mail doesn't work.

FRANCES: [puzzled] What do you mean? My e-mail works just fine.
[everyone else agrees]

DAN GROSSMAN: [exasperated] But but but... then why does no one ever read my
e-mail!? It's like everything I write is tainted as spam! [in tears] Why
why why?

FRANCES: No clue. As a veteran of numerous grad-skit spoofings, what
are your thoughts, Notkin.

NOTKIN: Well, last year I called for a moratorium on beard jokes, and I
expect that to be observed. In fact, I think this year will leave me
pretty unscathed. [steps out of character to avoid saying "Just as long as 
they don't mock my mullet."] You know, I'm David Notkin's student, and I 
want to graduate, so the remainder of my line has been deleted.

FRANCES: Well, with you, it's always a good call on there being hair
jokes. So, Tom and the other David, do either of you expect the
networking group to be in the skit at all?

DAVID WETHERALL: [in random accent #2] Frankly, I'm surprised they've never 
made fun of my accent. As for the group though, I think we're safe.

TOM ANDERSON: [extremely flustered) Oh, I am so worried. I told them last 
year that I was scared of being mentioned in it and I wasn't. That means 
they will certainly get me this year.

MARK OSKIN: [defiant] Ha! I openly challenged them last year to mock me. I
don't think they have the guts. Anyhow, it's not like they have any dirt
on me.

DAVID NOTKIN: What about the fact that you forgot to get an office and spent
three months hanging around your students' offices?

DAVID WETHERALL: [in random accent #3] Or the fact that you were successfully 
replaced with an inflatable dinosaur in a Hawaiian shirt for a day.

FRANCES: And let's not forget your time in rehab for your excessive
monitor use. Mark, I think we can all agree that you are definitely
going to be a target. Now, before we go, can each of you think of one
word to describe the upcoming grad skit?

TOM ANDERSON: Humiliating

DAVID WETHERALL: [accent #4] Uplifting

DAN GROSSMAN: Why does everyone delete my e-mail!?

DAVID NOTKIN: Beardless

MARK OSKIN: [fallen asleep again till jabbed by Notkin] Coffee!

FRANCES: Thank you for watching this week's Faculty in Focus.    

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Scene 6: [At the desk, Beth is busy typing while Sandy is immersed in
doing homework, grading papers, etc.]

SANDY: [realizing they're on] Oh crap!  We're on the air, Beth!

BETH: [ignores her as he continues typing]

SANDY: [reaching around for the news] I'm never going to get all this work
done... [find notes] Yesterday, due to reported confusion among the populace,
Hank Levy clarified the coaster rule.  Hank is here to repeat the
announcement:

[NEXT SLIDE: Hank and coasters]

HANK: [sitting next to the anchors and manipulating coasters] Although most 
people have been following the coaster rule, there are still some elements of 
confusion.  All plants and drinks require coasters, and all of those coasters 
must be placed on a coaster as well.  Those coasters, however, need not be
placed on a coaster, but if they are, then the lowermost coaster requires a 
coaster.

[NEXT SLIDE: statue of david]

BETH: Makes sense to me.  [returning to announcer pose] Speaking of Hank Levy,
in his role as art curator of the Paul G. Allen center, Hank has secured 
Michelangelo^Òs David to be put on permanent display.  The Brian L. Curless
David will be viewable outside of GRAIL.  It is recommended that you avoid
looking straight at the beam.  And speaking of one's health, PhC. Danielle 
Bellows is next with today's health watch.

[NEXT SLIDE: health watch]

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Scene 7: [In AREA_ONE, Danielle Bellows sits across from PQS]

DANIELLE BELLOWS: Hello, I'm Danielle Bellows, PhC.  As part of CSENN's ongoing 
commitment to the quality of the department, welcome to Health Watch where 
we highlight the health risks faced in computer science. Today, we talk about
a condition that affects each and every grad student: the post-quals syndrome.
Typically occurring around a student's third year of study, PQS is often
viewed as a coming of age time after which a student's body of research
has grown and changed in wonderful ways. The reality, though, is that PQS
is often a troublesome time. With me today is Michelle, who has come on
here to talk openly about living with PQS. Welcome Michelle.

PQS: Hello Danielle. Thanks for having me here.

DANIELLE BELLOWS: You've been living with PQS for nearly a year now, but let's go
back to when it all began.

PQS: Well, it was really tough for me. I was the first in my class to go
through quals, so none of us had heard of PQS. Pretty soon, though, I
knew something was wrong.

DANIELLE BELLOWS: And how did you know that?

PQS: I suspected something was wrong when I completely rewrote my web site
from scratch. Then I had this overwhelming urge to clean my desk and put
papers into folders with LABELS!

DANIELLE BELLOWS: [to the camera] According to medical studies, obsessive needs 
to clean and organize occur in about 95% of PQS cases. [turning to PQS] What
happened from there?

PQS: I really got confused. I started eating and cooking at home. I
didn't keep regular hours. I spent 2 weeks adjusting my monitor in order
to get the proper Feng Shui to it all. Then, a close friend did quals.

DANIELLE BELLOWS: And he started experiencing the same odd behavior?

PQS: Yes. I knew I wasn't alone and soon realized how truly great PQS
really is... I've even gotten my friend Steve to sing about it...

[NEXT SLIDE: Dolly Parton apology; lyrics slides as before]

[Steve starts singing "Working 1 to 4"].

"Working 1 to 4"
written by Steve Wolfman as a parody of "Working 9 to 5"

http://waltm.net/9to5.htm
Note: basic line structures
  A: the dit-dit (low to high; tumble out of bed; energetic)
  B: holding (the restrained falling line; and yawn and stretch; moderates 
  dit-dit energy)
  C: driving (working 9 to 5; marching part; chorus)
  C': climax/driving (more exciting marching part)

1 to 4

A: Defended your thesis or passed your quals
A: Finished your paper and Sega calls

B: And you just want to blow work off today

//A: Two months later and you're still waitin'
A: Thoughts of committee grillin' have faded
A: Your work ethic has been downgraded

B: With no deadlines but lots of games to play
//B: With nothin' to do and ever so much to play.

C: Working one to four
what a way to make a livin'

C: You just read e-mail
'fore you crumble and you give in

C: Then you paint your nails
Or perhaps you play some Riven

C': It's your grad school slump and if you're lazy
it's forgiven
[Note: I pitched the pause in this line although I left it in on the next C']

C: One to four
But you don't work every minute

C: Barely use your mind
And you'll readily admit it.

C: You once worked real hard
It was endless days of geek hell

C': But the next four months
your job is.. playing freecell!

-- BREAK --

A: Organize a team for baseball season
A: You've got time and don't need a reason

B: Or learn to play guitar if that's your thing.

A: Don't speak German or Aramaic?
A: Now's your chance if you'll just take it.

B: Or the tide's gonna turn and you'll be researching.

[Previous line is tough to get right unless you pretend your poking
someone in the chest and giving them a lesson on the last three
syllables:

Or the TIDE'S gonna TURN and YOU'LL be RE-SEARCH-ING.]

C: Working one to four
what a way to make a livin'

C: You just read e-mail
'fore you crumble and you give in

C: You go out and sail
Or you stay and get some Civ in

C': It's your grad school slump and if you're lazy
it's forgiven

C: 1 to 4
Yeah, your life is where you want it

C: Slept till noon today
Wore your jammies in to flaunt it.

C: Skipped that research game [previously had "tenure" for research]
Didn't heed advisor's decree [pronounced "dee-cree"]

C': You won't spend your life
putting papers in his CV

[Repeat choruses and fade out.]

PQS: [as song stops] DAN!.

[NEXT SLIDE: health watch]

DAN WELD: You've been suffering from PQS too long. It's time you take the
cure [holds up a big pill labeled generals]. Come on, it has to be taken
as a suppository.

PQS: [being dragged off by Weld] Noooo!

DANIELLE BELLOWS: That is all for today's Health Watch. Tune in tomorrow when 
we talk about the effects of dungeon living on undergrads and the ongoing
struggle to reintroduce seniors to natural light. 

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

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Scene 8: [Back at announcer's desk]

BETH: [humming "1 to 4"] I like that song.

SANDY: Coming up after the break are weather and sports, plus our
intense, continuing coverage of Day 3 of the Stairwell crisis.  But
first, our question of the day: "Who is the youngest faculty member in
CSE today?"  Here's a hint, Beth's older than him.

BETH: [who has been typing on his thesis, looks up] Hey?! 

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Scene 9: [In AREA_TWO, Big-name scientist standing near the screen]

[NEXT SLIDE: Janet's big-name scientist slides]

BS: Hi, I'm Big-name Scientist. 
[pause to smile, showing too many teeth]

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last ten years, I'm sure
you know of my many credentials. 

[show slide of assorted positions and awards, ending with Turing Award 
and Nobel Peace Prize.] 

I'm here today to make you a very special offer on three of my 
wonderful books.

[Show books as they are discussed.]

First, if you love my Seminal Textbook, and I know you do, you'll love
this latest edition even more. Second, I have this wonderful selection of
Readings in an Emerging Research Area that you simply can't do without.
Third, my new Popular Science Book, bringing these sophisticated research
issues to the masses, will knock your socks off.

[Show slides with prices, X'd off as they get lower. Blink $19.95, if
using video or a computer projector.]

How much would you expect to pay for these three wonderful books?
$199.95? $99.95? $59.95? No, I am letting these books go for an
amazingly low price of $19.95!

Act now and I'll throw in this fabulous research lab, absolutely free!

[Show slide of generic logo, generic building, generic pictures of
people working] 

And there's more!  Because it's Christmas, every book comes
printed in green ink on red paper!

Have your credit card handy and call 1-800-RESEARCH. 
[Show slide of 3 books, credit card logos, phone number, "You must be 
18 or over to call."]

Our operators are waiting, so act now! 

----------------------------------------------------------
Scene 10: [back at the desk]
 
[NEXT SLIDE: all blue]

SANDY: Welcome back, everyone! So Beth, who do you think is the youngest
faculty member in CSE?

BETH: [unamused and still writing on his thesis] I don't know. Probably
Venkat or that new guy, Grossman.

SANDY: Nope and nope. The youngest faculty member is... Stevie Gribble.

BETH: [looks up from computer confused] That can't be right. I thought he 
was an undergrad. 

SANDY: I don't know, but he sure is cute.  And now we have WEATHERMAN Will 
here with the wide world of indoor weather.  Will, how about that freak 
snowstorm last night on the 6th floor landing?  Nobody saw that coming, 
did they?

[WEATHERMAN is standing near the screen.  Sandy is turned to face him]

WEATHERMAN: Well SANDY, you can't blame me for that one.  After all, I
do say in my disclaimer that these weather reports are delivered AS IS
and I make no warranty as to their use or performance, merchantability
or fitness for any particular purpose

[NEXT SLIDE: disclaimer]

[NEXT SLIDE: all blue]

WEATHERMAN: After all, its not like this is as easy as predicting the
weather outside.  It does look like the threat of indoor snow is gone
for the moment however.  Skiers will probably want to make the trek
out to the loading dock ramp, where the base is three to five feet and
the conditions are excellent. As you can see from our handy Allen Center 
weather map, conditions are somewhat simpler that they've been the 
last few days,

and most offices should be experiencing more typical weather for this
time of year.  Of course nobody knows what typical would be, but as
always, if you don't like the weather in your office, it's probably
better next door.

We are currently watching a strong cold front sweeping down through
the divisible-by-eight offices on the fifth and third floors.  This
will bring temperatures down into the mid forties, and possibly
scattered rain from the sprinkler system.  This pattern will continue
for the next two days, at which point the front will move through to
the atrium side, and temperatures should return to the upper fifties
you've come to expect.  This system will bypass the
non-divisible-by-eight offices, which will continue to see
temperatures in the lower nineties.

A storm system moving through the west end will likely snarl traffic
in both main elevator shafts.  Expect queue delays, lock contention,
and possible aborts and rollbacks.  Although the east elevator will
not be directly affected, there may be ripple effects leading to
further delays there as well.  Those of you planning getaways to warmer
places, be sure to call ahead and check on the lines.

SANDY: Speaking of warmer places, is there any end in sight to the
record hot-weather streak in 381?

WEATHERMAN: It sure doesn't look like it from here.  As you know, 381,
the third-floor printer closet, currently holds the all-time Allen
Center record for most days above 110 degrees, at 83 days.  We indoor
meteorologists attribute this to a unique effect we call the
"El Networking Clustero," and with all the looming conference deadlines, 
I expect they'll be keeping those machines nice and toasty for weeks to
come.  Book your trip now, it'll feel just like summer on the fourth
floor of Sieg: warm, toasty, and nicely crowded.
If you prefer warm weather without the crowds, then check out this
week's secret getaway destination, the fourth floor.  472, 476, 478,
and 482 will be experiencing highs in the low to mid eighties and
sunny conditions, but do watch out for cold temperatures and a 50%
chance of rain and sleet in 474 and 480.  Yes it's a long trek, but
definitely worth it for the southern California transplants.  Also,
I'd like to apologize for last week's secret getaway, and assure
everybody that we've fixed the bug that lead to the forecast of 90
degrees and 35 percent humidity when it was actually just the other
way around.  The offending undergrad has been banished to the
basement.

Atrium conditions this week will be blustery, but should clear out by
midweek and be sunny and cold.  Those with atrium-facing windows will
want to keep them closed, so keep those hammers put away until at
least next week.  For a look at the conditions on the atrium catwalks
and stair landings, we turn now to MARK OSKIN and the CSENN weather
blimp, MARK.

[NEXT SLIDE: Blimp]

MARK OSKIN: Well, unfortunately, the blimp is still stuck to the wall
between the fourth and fifth floors.  I can tell you that it is
reading 87 degrees and a humidity of 103%, which continues the warming
trend we've observed at that spot for the last five weeks.  But to be
honest, I'm not entirely sure that the thermometer is still working, so
you should probably take that with a grain of salt.

[NEXT SLIDE: Blue]

WEATHERMAN: Well, thanks for that report, and I hope you get the blimp
unstuck eventually.

Turning to our weekly weather question from the kids, Danielle Grossman
writes, "What's with all this crazy weather.  Isn't the building
heated and air-conditioned?  After all, we're *inside* aren't we?
They told me when I came here that it would be 70 degrees inside and
no more snow in my office."  Well Danielle, yes, the building is
air-conditioned, and, as our historical data show, the average
temperature across all the spaces *is* exactly 70 degrees, and has
been ever since the building opened.  It's just that the variance
between the different spaces is large, and the relationships between
them very complex.  That's what makes this field so much more
interesting than outside meteorology: in here we have rapid shifts
from hot to cold in some spaces, while others seem impervious to all
change.  Henry Kautz's office, for instance, has been hellishly hot
for as long as we've kept records, with nary a drop of precipitation
to quench the eternally burning fires.  As for your office, suck it
up, it should stop snowing by March.

BETH: But Will, you must admit that it's still better than Sieg was?  At
least we have indoor weather.  

SANDY: Oh come on, Sieg could not have been as bad as it seems.  The
weather has to be worse here.

BETH: You're right.  How's all that homework and grading going, Sandy?
[Sandy looks at pile of work and starts crying].  Moving along, according
to a recent poll, the basement showers have still yet to be
used. When polled, 103% of the respondents replied, "What showers?"
Remember, this poll has a 2% margin of error. 

SANDY: Wait, Will, what about the sunrise & sunset predictions?

WEATHERMAN: Well, Sandy, sunset will occur briefly at 11pm, then again
about 5 minutes later, with sunrise at 6am.  Due to a conference
deadline, we expect the manual sunset overrides to be used, causing a
"white nights" phenomenon in the southwest corner of the 4th floor, and
the northeast of the 3rd floor.

BETH: Um, thank you Will for telling us that yet again.  

-----------------------------------------------
Scene 11: [sitting at desk]

BETH: And now, we look at sports. Well sports fans, a lot has 
happened in the wide world of Allen Center sports today.
[turning to imaginary camera 2]

[NEXT SLIDE: sports]

In the rough-and-tumble world of the competitive grammar-checking,
the nth-year smack down climaxed in an epic match.  UW and Berkeley
were neck and neck as they pointed out illegal substitution of
en-dashes for em-dashes, but at the buzzer, UW triumphantly scored
the winning goal by recognizing incorrect uses of demonstrative
pronouns.  When asked about the victory, team captain  William Strunk, Jr. 
only chanted "Omit needless words! Omit needless words!"
[turning to camera 1]

Moving on to a sour note, in the Henry A. Kautz Foosball Stadium,
coach Karl led his EE team to victory over the overpowered
CSE team, 11-4,... hexadecimal.  Asked after the game, the CSE
captain said, "We couldn't get a break, it's like the field
was covered in MEMS."

They always give that excuse.  We'll be right back.

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

-------------------------------------------------
SCENE 12: [in AREA_TWO... most of these locations will be imagined]

ANNOUNCER: Hello, I'm the manager and CEO of MBT Incorporated.  
Your problems with stuff inspire us to design Blue Tape
solutions that help you solve your problems... with stuff.

[CUT TO: student office]

MT GRAD [standing by desk, holding MBT]: There was this huge nail 
sticking out of the sheetrock by my desk here. I put Magic Blue Tape on 
it, and within days the sheetrock was spotless!

[CUT TO: hallway]

MT HANK [standing by window frame, which has MBT on it]: I put Magic Blue
Tape on this [pointing] almost unnoticeable nick in this window frame.
When I came back the next day, it was mostly gone!

[CUT TO: computer lab]

MT UNDERGRAD [sitting at computer, which has MBT on it]: My data structures
assignment was soooo buggy. I just don't understand those compiler
errors with the templates - I mean, does anyone? I was so worried.
But then I put magic blue tape on the computer and went to the bathroom,
and when I came back my program compiled perfectly! I even got an A on
the assignment!

[CUT TO: Professor's office]

VENKAT [standing at whiteboard, holding thesis with MBT on it]:
My thesis was a disaster. Even after years of work, it was full of
holes you could drive a truck through. As a last resort, I put Magic
Blue Tape on the cover page. I came back after a three-hour lunch,
and my thesis was perfect! I won the ACM's best thesis award and got
a job at a prestigious university!

[NEXT SLIDE: magic blue tape]

MT ANNOUNCER: No job is too big or too small!  For whatever needs fixing in
your life, call on Magic Blue Tape!  What can blue do for you?

MT ANNOUNCER: Customers who bought this product also bought...

[NEXT SLIDE: magic blue tape flags]

MT ANNOUNCER: Magic Blue Tape Flags.  [switching to lower voice] Also
available in red for fixing blue stuff.

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

----------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 13: [in AREA_ONE and the news desk]

[Throughout, SANDY and BETH remain seated at the NEWS DESK, while
SCOTT and the BAND are standing in AREA_ONE]

[NEXT SLIDE: foreign news]

SANDY: Turning now to foreign news, our intrepid correspondent Scott
Rose, who as you may recall got this job after being left behind in
the big move, is reporting tonight from a place he calls the
"H. U. B.", where is that anyway?

BETH: It's right across from Sieg, don't you remember?

SANDY: No, I haven't left the Allen Center all quarter.  At any rate,
Scott, can you fill us in on this exotic locale?

SCOTT: Well Sandy, like Beth said, the HUB is the large building right
across the lawn from Sieg, and it has lots of interesting stuff to
see.  Today, I'm in room 208, where many students have congregated for
an annual event known as a "job fair."

SANDY: Is that anything like a county fair?

SCOTT: Sort of, but at a county fair you have to pay for all the
souvenirs, but everything here is being given away for free in the
hope of enticing students to come work for the various companies.

SANDY: What a strange idea?  Does it work?  Do people actually go
looking for jobs there?

SCOTT: Well, you can judge for yourselves.  I have with me some
students who agreed to be interviewed in return for free food.

[SCOTT gestures to the band, who then sing "Everybody wants a Google
shirt" in lieu of actual dialog]

[NEXT SLIDE: Tears for Fears apology; slides for lyrics, as usual]

"Everybody wants a Google Shirt"
to the tune of "Everybody wants to rule the world" by Tears for Fears

V1:
Shopping at job fairs
Sell my resume
[But] jobs aren't what I seek
I will be your
walking student advertisement
Can't live on my research stipend
Everybody wants a Goo-gle shirt

V2:
HP, digiMine
Pixar, Cray, and Ford
I just can't decide
Help me score the most
free pens and free umbrellas
or a coffee mug from Dell as (or "Bell Labs")
Everybody wants a Goo-gle shirt

V1:
There's a room where it's Halloween, you
trick or treat for the branded, useless schlock.
V2:
When you do, I'll be right behind you.
- Your CV's only so-so 
V1:
(But) it's worth a flashing yo-yo
Omnes:
Everybody wants a Goo-gle shirt

V1:
(Un)til I find a steady funder
I'll make do with cheap-ass plunder
Everybody wants a Google..

V2:
[Breaking in, other singer says:]
Wait! You will never never never need it 
[Responding..]
V1:
It's free; I couldn't leave it
O:
Everybody wants a Goo-gle shirt

Omnes:
Shameless corp'rate carrion crow
Turn your back and show your logo
Everybody wants a Goo-gle shirt

[NEXT SLIDE: foreign news]

SCOTT: And that's it from here, this is Scott Rose saying "please
don't forget about me and can I finally move in already" from the
HUB.  Back to you.

-----------------------------------------------------------
SCENE 14: [News Desk]

[NEXT SLIDE: bowlinggate]

BETH: The state gaming commission acquitted Dr. Richard Anderson of any
wrong doing today. The board ruled that he was at no fault for
betting all of his students for one Berkeley student over a bowling game.
Legal scholars have heralded this ruling as further proof of grad students
inherently being the property of their advisors. 

[NEXT SLIDE: black]

[assistant hands a piece of paper to Beth]

BETH: This just in.  Google just offered me a job... and a free shirt!

[assistant hands Beth another piece of paper]

BETH: [reads it] Bah, who cares?  I'm going to Google!  [hands paper
to Sandy]

[NEXT SLIDE: stairwell crisis]

SANDY: [dazed and tired] There is breaking news in the Stairwell Crisis
story.  We go live to the scene.  

------------------------------------------
SCENE 15 [AREA_TWO]
[A large cardboard DOOR is in the center of the stage.
On the left is
- MOE THURBORD
- MARGE SORT
- PRIVATE FUNCTION, 1st class
- a few non-speaking others, perhaps
On the right is
- SW_REPORTER, the reporter for the stairwell crisis
]

SW_REPORTER: Thank you, Sandy.
We bring you Day 3 of the tragedy of the grad student
trapped in the stairwell.
I'm located way on the most distant edges of
Electrical Engineering territory, inside their department office.
There is still no word on when the locks will be changed to allow
exit from the stairwell, or if the trapped computer scientist will be 
allowed into the EE office.
And now I'll share the thoughts of the trapped student, Moe Thurbord.
Moe, are you there?

MARGE SORT: Yes, he's here.

MOE THURBORD:
Oh, yes, this is Moe.

SW_REPORTER:
[to audience]
Ladies & gentlemen, it seems that the crisis is about to wrap up with a
happy conclusion, with rescuers apparently having just arrived on the scene.
[to Moe]
It sounds like there's a rescue worker there. You must be very
relieved.

MOE THURBORD:
No, that's just Marge Sort.
Actually, I have with me about 20 other grad students, 6 faculty and 3
staff.
Oh, and, I don't think he's done any rescuing, but
there is one national guardsman.

PVT FUNCTION:
Yes, sir! Private Function, 1st class! Here, sir! Someday I hope to
be promoted to Colonel.

[Pause for effect/groans]

SW_REPORTER:
I'd like to remind our viewers that this terrible tragedy of
approximately 30 people trapped together in a stairwell is brought to you 
by CSENN, reporting live from the Electrical Engineering's distant outpost.
[end station identification]
Apparently, the building was occupied before the locks were fixed, which
seems invalid according to the applicable protocol.
If only Craig Chambers had inspected the building code, this situation
could have been avoided.
[pause]
Moe, I'm sure this is a difficult time for you, but our viewers would
like to
know how you're holding up in that cramped space, hardly fit for 2
computer
scientists. Are tensions running high? Has anyone lost control?
What is the general mood?

MOE THURBORD:
It's great!
[tense]

I won't lie to you. I was pretty tense when I got here alone, I'll
admit.

[relaxed]

But now that everyone's arrived, and I have virtually no personal 
space, things have definitely calmed down.

MARGE SORT:
Yeah, I was really worried about what the new building would be like,
but now that I'm in it... Well, boy do I feel like I was a complete 
neurotic. The new building is totally comfortable. I really like the design.

SW_REPORTER:
[to audience]

Ladies & Gentlemen, we have just received an updated list of victims,
trapped in the stairwell, which I'd like to show on the screen. The 
scale of this tragedy is truly unprecedented.

[NEXT SLIDES: victim list]

Trapping in Stairwell:
Marge Sort				Fred Pointer & Nell Pointer	Juan Zero
Chip Set				Deb Ugger				Polly Time
Vera Fire				Trudy Array				Bree Fix & Sue Fix
Moe Thurbord			Lex Ickle				N.P. Complete
Kay Bull				Moe Dem				Anna Log		
T. Leo Meer				Mike Rochip				Dinah Mick
Pvt. Function, 1st class 	Anna Lissis				Lynn Ear		
Al Gebra				May Tricks				Rea Locate
Anne Seesee				Sy Kihl				Paul O. Nomielle	
Dee Fault				Hal Tingstate			Stan Derror
Al Gohl				Emory Leek				Randy Nummer
Sue Doe-Random			Val O. Dayshunne			Dino T. Shunnel
Sam Antics				Jen Erick-D'ziyn			Sue Persette
Cal Clator				Dan Amicklink			Meg Abit
Tera Hertz				Millie Second
]

MOE THURBORD:
Thanks for showing that -- I think you've really captured the mood here.

[excited]It's just like the old building!

David Notkin has already found everyone an office. Most offices are
between the vertical bars in the railing, but some faculty have received 
an entire stair.  We really feel we've fit right into the new building.

SW_REPORTER: [flummoxed]

[FRANKYE JONES enters]

SW_REPORTER: Who are you?

FRANKYE: I'm Frankye Jones -- I used to be the grad student advisor
in CSE, in fact.

SW_REPORTER: [pondering this] Oh, so you must have been the previous Lindsay?

FRANKYE: who's Lindsay?

SW_REPORTER: Oh, she's our new Frankye. She started about 3 years ago.

FRANKYE: You seem troubled. And you're a computer scientist, studying
computational journalism, if I haven't lost my classification
skills. Perhaps I can help.

SW_REPORTER: Well, it's really nothing, I think I'm making satisfactory
progress in my program.

[pause, takes a deep breath]

I have to admit I'm having some problems with my story.
I'm doing a story about the, umm, tragedy of the student trapped in
the Lee Paul Sieg Memorial Stairwell, but I think I may have misjudged
the story. It's already making me think of changing areas.

Computational journalism requires me to deal with people, and I only
have to work short periods of time while I'm presenting a story.
That's not really why I came to grad school. I had in mind much longer
hours, staring at a computer screen, struggling to keep up with TAing,
classes, and then research. Somehow I ended up doing journalism.
But in all this time, I've never really
thought about what __I__ wanted.

I see now that I've just assumed I should follow my advisor. I've just
gone along with the flow, and lost sight of myself and my needs.

First I started working only a few hours a week, even while I was still taking
Quals classes. Then, one thing led to another, and here I am.  This is not what I came to grad school for, and I see that now.  I need to find my niche in life. I think the graphics people have a SIGGRAPH deadline coming up soon; maybe I'll change into graphics, and see how I feel.

[pause]

Thanks, Frankye, this conversation has been really helpful.

FRANKYE: Sure, no problem.

[SW_REPORTER leaves]

[FRANKYE opens the door, allowing the trapped people to leave.  But they don't.]

FRANKYE: it's all over, you can come out now.

[Pause. Everyone stares blankly.]

MOE THURBORD: no, we're still trapped.

MARGE SORT:
[cynical]
Anyway, the new building's never going to be built. Everyone
knows that. It's been delayed so many times, it couldn't actually
happen. We'll be stuck in Sieg forever.

MOE THURBORD: Could you close the door, it feels like
there might be climate control or something.

FRANKYE: [momentarily distracted]
Darn, I sense that someone's gotten themselves lost
in the EE building again. I'll have to help these poor computer
scientists later.  I only hope they graduate soon.