2002 holiday party grad skit CREDITS ORIENTATION LEADER (OL) - Tammy VanDeGrift ASHLEY - chipper, enthusiastic first year - Neva Cherniavsky DARYL - stressed-out first year - Ben Stewart UNDERGRADS, singing - the band SPEAKING UGRAD (UG) - Andy Schwerin SILENT UGRAD - Zasha Weinberg ROBIN - yoda-like nth year - Kate Deibel MS-ADVISOR - clippy - Julie Goldberg NTH YEAR TROG LEADER (NYL/NY1/Che) - Ratul Madhavan NTH YEAR TROGS - Vibha Sazawal, Rachel Pottinger and Steve Wolfman MIME/ZORAN POPOVIC - Gary Yngve BUS DRIVER/ALAN BORNING - Zasha Weinberg BARTENDER/PEDRO DOMINGOS - Dan Goldman DIETER FOX/SOCCER FAN - Adrien Treuille DAVID NOTKIN - Andy Schwerin PAUL BEAME - Tammy VanDeGrift DAN SUCIU - Andrei Alexandrescu GAETANO BORRIELLO - Jeff Hightower HENRY KAUTZ - Don Patterson (understudy: Dan Goldman) HANK LEVY - Luke McDowell SUSAN EGGERS - Rachel Pottinger LARRY ARNSTEIN - Andy Collins AUDIENCE - UW CSE Department, their family members and datees BAND - Ken Yasuhara, Jeff Hightower, Neil Spring and apparently Vibha Sazawal Henry Kautz assisted cognition costume designed, implemented and debugged by Don Patterson MS Advisor/Clippy costume - Julie Goldberg Bus stop sign - Zasha Weinberg and King County Metro Transit Scene change and faculty-identification signs - Kate Deibel, Vibha Sazawal and Tammy VanDeGrift Writing: Andy Collins, Neva Cherniavsky, Janet Davis, Dan Goldman, Ian Simon, Ben Stewart, Zasha Weinberg, with suggestions, comments and uncredited writing by a large subset of CSE students. Wise words of wisdom and advice: Rachel Pottinger and Steve Wolfman Grad skit coordinators: Dan Goldman and Zasha Weinberg Holiday party coordinator: Andy Schwerin SONGS: "Personal Funding" (based on "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode) Alternate lyrics: Ken Yasuhara and Neil Spring Performed by: the band, vocals by Ken Yasuhara "Mr. Grad TA Man" (based on "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan) Alternate lyrics: Zasha Weinberg, Ken Yasuhara, Neil Spring Performed by: the band, vocals by Jeff Hightower "I am the Very Model of a Modern Comp Sci pro-fes-sor" (based on "I am the very model of a modern major general" by Gilbert & Sullivan) Alternate lyrics: Julie Goldberg Performed by: Ken Yasuhara (guitar), vocals by Julie Goldberg, chorus vocals by Ken Yasuhara and Dan Goldman "The Faculty Can" (based on "Candy Man" from the movie "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, based on performance by Sammy Davis, Jr) Alternate Lyrics: Zasha Weinberg, Dan Goldman, plus echoes, "blooper" alternate chorus and grand finale by Ken Yasuhara and Steve Wolfman Performed by: Ken Yasuhara (guitar), vocals by Steve Wolfman "The End of Grad School" (based on "The Sound of Silence" by Paul Simon) Alternate lyrics: Steve Wolfman Performed by: the band ---------------------------------------------------------------------- PROPS/UNUSUAL COSTUMES (in order of appearance) PALM PCs MS ADVISOR - clippy costume or cardboard box THEORY LAB props - chalkboard/coffee cups BUS STOP - post with a sign BLUE MIME suit with ping-ping balls BUS - rolly chair(s) BUS DRIVER - maybe just blue pants, blue shirt BAR props - beer glasses SOCCER BALL SOCCER OUTFITS SLIDES of faculty in embarrassing venues? SLIDE of SIEG'' ---------------------------------------------------------------------- SONGS in order PERSONAL FUNDING MODERN COMPSCI PROFESSOR HEY MR. GRAD. T.A. MAN THE FACULTY CAN THE END OF GRAD SCHOOL ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Introduction: [Ken's improved introduction of the opening act: a performance of "Personal Funding":] SONG: "Personal Funding" (based on "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode) Alternate lyrics: Ken Yasuhara, Neil Spring quarter = 130 bpm performed 1 whole step down for open string goodness [harmonics] Research and get paid! (paid!) [2 x Riff 2] [2 x Riff 2 with bass] [over Riff 2] Your own personal funding-- Someone to pay your bills, Acknowledge your skillz. [Riff 3, then back to Riff 2] Your own (your own) personal funding-- NSF, Hertz, DoD, / ARPA, Intel, DoE, Maybe AT&T? / NDSEG [Riff 3, then back to Riff 2] [4 x Riff 2] Your quals postponed, your research is blown. You should have known, you'd be a grading drone, (grading drone) Get your connection, never teach another section. [slide] [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] Advisors suppress research you suggest. They're unimpressed, leaving you depressed. It's time that you got wiser. Play choose-your-own-advisor. [slide] [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [F#] [F]Research and get paid! (paid!) [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [F#] [F]Research and get paid! (paid!) [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [over Riff 2] Your own personal funding-- [slide] No advisor to obey, But you still get your pay. [Riff 3, then back to Riff 2] Your own (your own) personal funding-- [slide] TA-ing is a thing of the pahst, Freedom unsurpahssed. [Riff 3, then back to Riff 2] [4 x Riff 2] Advisors suppress research you suggest. They're unimpressed, leaving you depressed. (you depressed) Ignore the Borriellos. Join the ranks of fellows. [slide] [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] Start collecting dollars. Why slave away for scholars? [slide] [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [F#] [F]Research and get paid! (paid!) [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [F#] [F]Research and get paid! (paid!) [slide] [Em w/ 2 x Riff 2] [F#] [F]Research and get paid! (paid!) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 1: a bunch of new grads at orientation DARYL: I really need some coffee. I've been up all night working on my Architecture project. This is ridiculous. I'm so stressed out, I have no money to do anything, no time to spend the money I don't have, I'm going to fail out of grad school and my parents will be so disappointed in me and my friends will laugh at me and I'll never get a decent job... ASHLEY: Daryl, relax! It's only orientation! Classes haven't even started yet! And besides, I thought you were taking Complexity, not Architecture. DARYL: And Graphics and Compilers. ASHLEY: My God. What are you doing taking 4 classes? DARYL: My Advisor told me to. At least, I got email from her saying that's what I should take. I haven't actually met her yet. I don't know how I'm going to get through this quarter with decent grades. [ROBIN -- who has been silently hunched over a laptop throughout this exchange -- hobbles over to DARYL] ROBIN: Important, grades are not. ASHLEY: (whispering to DARYL) Why does he talk like that? DARYL: (whispering back) He did his quals project on Natural Language Processing. [The OL clears her throat.] OL: Now, if you'll all check your palm PCs, you'll see that we've downloaded your schedules for the next week. ASHLEY: Cool, I've got a meeting with my advisor to talk about all the fantastic research I'm going to be doing here. DARYL: Me too. When do you get to meet him? ASHLEY shows Palm PC to DARYL DARYL: That's odd, they scheduled us for the same time and place. OL: Yes, The Advisor likes to multitask as much as possible. Lets us handle way more students than any of the other departments on campus. DARYL: But I'm a graphics student, and she's in systems... OL: So? ASHLEY: I guess they were serious about all the different research groups working together here. All the advisors must work together perfectly. OL: Actually it's more of a distributed advising system. Came with the building, or so they say. ASHLEY: What do you mean it came with the building? OL: Well, as you all know, this is the Allen Center for Computer Science, and back in 2003 when the department moved in Paul Allen had some of his friends over at Microsoft kick in a whole bunch of extra software to run on it. Saved us a bundle, and it's all integrated. Probably couldn't pull out any parts without breaking it all. But who'd want to? DARYL: So what is this "distributed advising system" [Music begins to play] OL: No, no, don't ask that!!! SONG: MODERN COMP-SCI PROFESSOR (to the tune of MODERN MAJOR GENERAL, Gilbert & Sullivan) Alternate lyrics: Julie Goldberg MSA: I am the very model of a modern comp sci pro-fes-sor. I've information AI, systems, theory and graphical. I know the heads of Microsoft, and languages historical, From assembly to C++, in order categorical; I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical. I understand algorithms, both the fancy and the practical. About NP-completeness, I am teeming with a lot o' news, I prove primes very fast, and at bughouse I can never lose. CHORUS: It proves primes very fast and at bughouse it can never lose. MSA: I'm very good at lecturing and running all the 590s. I know the run-times and their proofs for all the different sorting trees. In short, in matters AI, systems, theory and graphical, I am the very model of a modern comp sci pro-fes-sor. CHORUS: In short, in matters AI, systems, theory and graphical, It is the very model of a modern comp sci pro-fes-sor. MSA: I know our mythic history, Too Much Space and Stevie Potter. I answer much amusingly, for grad skits I give fodder. I quote in protocols all the problems with the internet. I find new ways every day to speed up accessing diskette. I AI search all questions asked by students with my heuristics. I can find the best solutions from local bests and the mythics. In short, in matters AI, systems, theory and graphical, I am the very model of a modern comp sci pro-fes-sor. CHORUS: In short, in matters AI, systems, theory and graphical, It is the very model of a modern comp sci pro-fes-sor. END SONG OL: DISMISS! [MS Advisor winks loudly and shuts off.] DARYL: Oh my God. We're doomed. My graduate education is being managed by MS ADVISOR? MSA: [sidling up to him] YES? DARYL: [frieked out] AUGH! Dismiss! I'm beginning to think I don't belong in grad school. ASHLEY: Well, I think it's great here. We've not only got our own computers, we've got our own offices! And MSA is so convenient and easy to use, it's like the best invention ever. ROBIN: But helpful and nice, advisor is not. Show you I will. Robin writes the letter A on the blackboard. MS ADVISOR: It looks like you're beginning your thesis. I have some tips for you. You are six months behind the normal track for a PhD student. Perhaps you should work harder. Also your previous research in NLP was unimportant and uninteresting. Perhaps you should try a different area. Designing wireless communication networks is a rich research area right now... ROBIN: Dismiss. ASHLEY: Well, that was kind of helpful... DARYL: Why don't you try to register for classes. ASHLEY: OK. MS Advisor, I'd like to register for classes. MSA: I'm confused. Would you like information on how to register a car? ASHLEY: Um, no. I'd like to register for the winter quarter. MSA: A quarter is a piece of United States currency. It is a round metal object... ASHLEY: No! Let's see... I'd like to sign up for classes. MSA: I'm confused. Would you like information on object oriented programming? ASHLEY: Sign up for courses? MSA: I'm confused. Would you like -- ASHLEY: Register for courses? MSA: I'm confused. Would you like -- ASHLEY: ARGH! Dismiss! MS ADVISOR: It seems you're trying to dismiss me. Can I help you? ALL: DISMISS! [MSA winks and shuts down] [EVERYBODY sighs with relief] ASHLEY: Oh no, look at the time! I'm late for my first office hours. I'm finished at 4 -- meet me there! [EVERYBODY leaves] ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: outside office hours. Lots of UNDERGRADS hanging around. Other FYs enter. DARYL: What are all these people doing here? UG: Office hours DARYL: I've got to get ASHLEY and get to our meeting. Wouldn't want to make a bad first impression. UG: Not until I show her this homework. She marked me off, and that answer was hardly wrong at all. [DARYL looks at homework] DARYL: what do you mean, you marked that "false" and the answer is "true" UG: well, it was almost right, I should at least get half the points... SONG: MR GRAD TA MAN (to the tune of Mr. Tambourine Man, Bob Dylan) Alternate lyrics: Zasha Weinberg, Ken Yasuhara, Neil Spring Performed by the band [chords left in as scansion hints] *3* Mr. Grad TA Man / Mr. Tambourine Man / Dylan Ken capo at 5; Neil far L, Ken L, Vibha C, Jeff R [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] I won't tell [D]others 'bout your [G]kindness, this I [A]promise you. [Asus4] [A] [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] For my [D]self esteem and [G]grade point, [Em]I'll come [A]pe-stering [D]you. [Dsus4] [D] [Dsus2] [D] Student 1: I [G]mostly got this [A]question right, but [D]got 1 point of 10,[G] Isn't [D]hashing n log [G]n? And aren't [D]queues okay for [G]lookups? ...thought you [A]said so. It's not [G]fair, you never [A]taught us, to [D]write in pseudo[G]code, And I was [D]right, but for that [G]node, Oh, o[D]kay and thanks for [G]giving me that [A]one point. Student 2: [G]I'm the smartest [A]student in this [D]somewhat boring [G]class, Without [D]getting off my [G]ass, I [D]do the best [G]solutions, in my o[A]pinion. On this as[G]signment I have [A]lost one point, while [D]others didn't [G]lose Any [D]points, though they are [G]fools, And I'm [D]provably much [G]better, I should get [A]perfect. [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] This [D]twenty dollar [G]bill, please do not [A]misconstrue. [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] For my [D]self esteem and [G]grade point, [Em]I'll come [A]pe-stering [D]you. [Dsus4] [D] [Dsus2] [D] Ellen Feiss: I was [G]writing a paper [A]on the PC and it [D]was like "beep beep [G]beep" And then [D]like half of my [G]paper was [D]gone and I-was like [G]"Huh?" It de[D]voured my paper. It [G]was a really good [A]paper. Then I [G]had to write it [A]all again and I [D]had to do it [G]fast, and it [D]wasn't quite as [G]good, It was [D]kind of a... [G] ... a [A]bummer. [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] It's im[D]possible this [G]grade reflects my [A]true IQ! [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] For my [D]self esteem and [G]grade point, [Em]I'll come [A]pe-stering [D]you. [Dsus4] [D] [Dsus2] [D] Student 3: I'm [G]taking 10 more [A]classes, and they're [D]18 credits [G]each, Your com[D]passion, I be[G]seech, Since my [D]15th grandma [G]died, my life's been tragic. ...and I [G]thought when you said, [A]"Monday," that you [D]meant sometime next [G]week. I misread [D]MIN and not MAX-[G]CLIQUE. My in[D]duction's much too [G]weak. Won't you [D]give me just one [G]peek... At the so[D]lution's proof tech[G]nique? And I [D]hope you under[G]stand that I'm pa[A]thetic. [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] I won't tell [D]others 'bout your [G]kindness, [Em]this I [A]promise you. [Asus4] [A] [G]Hey, Mr. [A]Grad TA Man, [D]add some points for me,[G] For my [D]self esteem and [G]grade point, [Em]I'll come [A]pe-stering [D]you. [Dsus4] [D] [Dsus2] [D] END SONG [Alternate final verse: I _have 10 other classes, and they're _18 credits each, On my _laptop I spilled bleach, And my _15th grandma died, my life is tragic [ideally someone else should comment, "Wow! Only 2 of my grandmothers died, and I was devastated!" , but there might not be enough time to fit it in before the next line is sung.] My _dog he ate my homework, it made him _sick, and now he’s dead, I was _reading mail from Ed, I was up till 5 am, That's just looking for my pen, And I have a strange disease, Other _students spread unease, Meanwhile _someone broke my heart, I ate a _very rotten tart, You posted _homework slightly late, And my dentist made me wait, And I think I might be gay, My paycheck _again bounced today, I need at _least a three-point-four, Or my _parents abuse me more, And I hope you understand, and I'm pathetic. ] [ASHLEY emerges from the office] UG: So you see, all I need is for you to sign right here, and everything will be fixed. [ASHLEY sighs, then signs] UG: Oh, and here; and here and here, and there, there and there. [ASHLEY signs everything, and UG leaves] ASHLEY: Wow, five hours of 143 office hours, I'm beat. DARYL: Shouldn't you ask somebody about all these hours, seems excessive ASHLEY: Well, I emailed the professor, but I haven't heard back DARYL: You could talk to him after class ASHLEY: And fight all these undergrads, no thanks. Besides, I don't know what he looks like? DARYL: What! Don't you see him in class ASHLEY: Well, I sit in the back, and you know those new 10,000-seat lecture halls, can't see anything but the jumbotron anyway. Mostly I just use the telelearning center anyway. DARYL: I'm sure there's a real person up there. There just has to be. ROBIN: For you this is. Told to give it to you I was. ASHLEY: Wow, thats a really thin tablet PC! And flexible too! What's it say? "Go to the theory lab at 7:30 tomorrow morning. Don't tell Icrosoft-may Advisor-way!" DARYL: 7:30! Is the building even open then? ASHLEY: Theory lab? What do they do in the theory lab? DARYL: Where is it anyway? I don't remember that from the scavenger hunt! ASHLEY: Robin, you're a theory student, aren't you? Do you know? ROBIN: A theory student I am. Told you did someone? DARYL: No, no, it's just obvious, but where is this theory lab? ASHLEY: Well, you wouldn't need computers in the theory lab. Where would you go to think? [DARYL covers ears with hands and closes eyes to concentrate] DARYL: That didn't work. ROBIN: The basement try you should. ASHLEY: Why did it get stuck in the basement. ROBIN: Asked the space czar for space the theory group did. So tell the legends. Laughter, then basement. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: The Theory Lab [The Theory Lab is a big espresso bar with chalkboards and couches all around. ROBIN, ASHLEY, and DARYL enter theory lab. nthYs are huddled, whispering. When the FYs enter, they break up, each staring off into space, trying to feign concentration. Students are sitting in "The Thinker" poses, sipping coffee. One student has written P = NP, P != NP over and over and over again in big flowing patterns on the board. The LEADER of the Nth years, CHE, checks out FYs.] CHE: Are you ASHLEY and DARYL? ASHLEY: Yes CHE: [to ROBIN] You gave them the note? [ROBIN nods] ASHLEY: You mean that super cool tablet? Yes. By the way, none of my styluses work with it? Not even even the 3000 series. CHE: That's because it's a piece of paper, you nitwit. You know, with ink. [CHE grabs paper, scribbles on it with pen] NY2: Wow, let me see that! [NY2 grabs pen, starts disassembling it] ROBIN: Too old they are. Teach them, we cannot. CHE: Teach them we must. I mean-- we must teach them. They are our last best hope... DARYL: What are you talking about? You two know each other? CHE: We've brought you down here because we heard about your run-in with the Advisor. ASHLEY: (interrupts) Yes, it was awful. I know it knows what I need, I just can't find the right keywords. DARYL: who are you anyway? You don't look like the theory group. NY2: This is the student chapter of the Free Software Foundation [NYs cheer, hold up fists and signs that say things like "Torvalds for President!" "Bill Gates of Hell!" They are a motley combination of Hippies, beatniks, Latin American revolutionaries, and punk hackers.] ASHLEY: How come we haven't seen you in any of our classes All NYs: Classes? hahahaha DARYL: (whispers to other FYs) I think they're... nth years CHE: Of course we're nth years. ASHLEY: How long have you actually been here? [All NYs shrink back in disbelief] NY3: You're, you're not supposed to ask that? CHE: It's okay, they're new. They'll get there. Let's see, I don't know about anyone else here, but I've been here for... well, I started in... if you assume one research topic takes 3 years before you decide to switch, and I've worked on, uh... ASHLEY: Never mind. DARYL: So you don't know how to get useful answers out of MS Advisor? CHE: Of course not-- NY2: Can't be done-- NY3: Couldn't be bothered to-- CHE: You can't fix MS Advisor. You have to replace it. DARYL: You mean there's a new version coming out? Oh, oh, I hope it still works with the building, I don't know if we can add any more memory to it. And where would you put all the new disk space, and, and, CHE: [interrupts] No, a new version isn't going to fix it. This is already MS Advisor version 1995 they're running DARYL: '95. You mean like Office 95? I saw Windows 95 in a museum once. CHE: You are really stupid. No, version one thousand nine hundred ninety five, patch level 47, service pack 328 NY2: Actually they just installed sevice pack 329 NY3: And version 1996 is due out anytime now ASHLEY: So what *can* we replace it with? CHE: [ominously] Faculty DARYL: Is that some sort of open-source version? CHE: No, faculty, actual human advisors ASHLEY: I hear the words, but they make no sense. CHE: Don't you get it, the department hasn't always been run by MS Advisor. When I was a first year there were actual human beings who ran things. We called them "faculty" NY2: Wow, you're really old, I just remember my 531 TA telling me about them, and she must have been three years ahead of me. NY3: Two years! Two years! Not three! Can't you keep it straight? ASHLEY: But what were these "faculty" like? CHE: Well, let Steve tell you... SONG: THE FACULTY CAN (to THE CANDYMAN, from Willy Wonka, as sung by Sammy Davis Jr.) Alternate lyrics: Zasha Weinberg, Dan Goldman, Ken Yasuhara, Steve Wolfman Performed by: Steve Wolfman Who can give you _money? (_who can give us _money) Thesis credits _too? (_thesis credits _too) (And) save you from TA'ing while their money's there for you. The faculty _ (the faculty) _ oh the faculty _can. (the _faculty _can) The faculty can, cause they get from NSF, and make your checks not _bounce. (our _checks won't _bounce) Who can help your _research? (_who can help our _research) Give you some i_deas? (_give us some i_deas) (A) stack of papers' reading and your dissertation nears, The faculty _ (the faculty) _ oh the faculty _can. (the _faculty _can) The faculty can 'cause ]except for one they all have got their Ph._D.s. (except for _Hank Le_vy) Chorus: The faculty _make Our department great! _ They're so helpful, _it's unseemly; _ (They) work at school all _day most keenly. And they win a_wards routinely! Who can write a _ref'rence? (a _letter of _ref'rence) Pepper it with _praise? (_pepper it with _praise) Show how great you are, leave all the readers in a daze. The faculty _ (the faculty) _ oh the faculty _can. (the _faculty _can) The faculty can cause they [Am]have unquestioned skills in judging you and _me. (judging _you and _me) The faculty _make Our department great! _ They're so helpful, _it's unseemly; _ (They) work at school all _day most keenly. And they win a_wards routinely! Who can write the _profs' skit? _ _ Ev'ry year or _three? _ _ (If they) do it they will surely feature Dr. CSE! The faculty _ (the faculty) _ oh the faculty _can. (the _faculty _can) The faculty can cause they sometimes don't procrastinate on party _skits (on the _faculty _skit) Grand finale: The faculty... the faculty... the faculty _ _ The faculty [hold] The faculty [hold] The fa-cul-tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!! [flourish...or something] END SONG ASHLEY: So if these faculty were so great, why can't we get them back? CHE: We can, we hear most of them are still in the area. DARYL: So you could just go ask them to come back. ASHLEY: Would MS Advisor fight them? NY2: Yes, but we know how to deal with that. We've been cooking up an email virus that should knock him out long enough to get the faculty back in their offices. NY3: And once they're in their offices they'll never leave, everybody knows that. ASHLEY: So what are you waiting for CHE: We need *you* to go get them for us. ASHLEY: Why? CHE: Well, uh, just because. ASHLEY: Don't you have a better reason than that? NY2: (Whispering) Well, you see, none of us can leave. NY3: We've forgotton where the door is. DARYL: It's right there. [NYs cover their ears and look away, muttering] NYs: The ridicule, the ridicule ASHLEY: Robin, will you join us? ROBIN: Join you I cannot. Great darkness coming I sense. Old advisor returns. Prepare affiliates poster, I must. ASHLEY: Come on DARYL, I guess we'll just have to do this ourselves. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: ASHLEY and DARYL at a conspicuously labelled BUS STOP DARYL: This is a waste of time. I've got four problem sets due tomorrow! ASHLEY: Tomorrow's Saturday. DARYL: Oh. [A BLUE-SUITED MIME approaches them. During the following, he is doing various standard mime shtick; pulling them with an invisible rope, walking against an invisible wind, pretending to be in a box. But he is obviously also trying to listen to them, and he keeps getting closer and closer.] ASHLEY: And besides, we have to find the real faculty! We can't get a quality graduate education without the passion and enthusiasm that only human advisors can provide. We need real mentors, real leaders, real -- Excuse me, can I help you? [THE MIME acts shy and in love. ] DARYL: What kind of mime has ping-pong balls attached all over his suit. ASHLEY: Wait, that's not a mime, that's Zoran Popovic! THE MIME gives the big thumbs up, puts his arms around Daryl & Ashley. Ashley pulls a sign out of her bag that says ZORAN POPOVIC and hangs it by a string around his neck. This will be the mechanism by which the faculty are identified one by one. DARYL: Does he talk? ASHLEY: He's obviously found a new career in which he can employ his expertise at conveying information through human movement. I'm sure he'll snap out of it soon. I hope. DARYL: Yeah, mimes are kind of creepy. ASHLEY: Hey, here's a bus! Let's ask the driver how to get there. [A BUS arrives. Well, more likely just a SHAGGY-HAIRED BUS DRIVER in a rolly chair. The driver motions to open the door. (Note, this could be confusing having the bus driver acting like a mime. Probably better to have a real bus... ;-) ] DARYL: Excuse me, we're trying to get to Pike Place Market. Is this the right bus? BUS DRIVER: So, so, only 12% of passengers travelling to Pike Place Market take the bus. If the monorail is constructed, 15% of car drivers would switch to take the bus. However, urban growth around transit centers will increase traffic congestion in those areas-- DARYL: Hey, I know who this is, it's ALAN BORNING! ALAN: That's right kids, when I left UW I became a full-time urban transportation engineer. ASHLEY: We're trying to round up all the old faculty to bring them back to UW. It's just not the same without you guys around. ALAN: Hey, I know a place where lots of former faculty hang out. Hop on and I'll take you there! [ASHLEY and DARYL board the bus first, followed by ZORAN who exaggerates their walks. SOMEBODY runs across stage with a sign that says FIVE MINUTES LATER.] [ASHLEY, DARYL, ZORAN + ALAN walk through the doors of The College Inn Pub & walk up to the bar. A BAR TENDER is standing behind the bar drying a glass. In addition a PATRON is sitting at the bar with back turned to audience.] BAR TENDER: What can I get for ya all today? ASHLEY: Nothing actually. We're trying to round up former CSE profs to help us overthrough the evil MS Advisor. Alan Borning here says a lot of old CSE Profs hang out in this bar, have you seen any around lately? BAR TENDER: Nope. DARYL: Man! We've been searching all day long and all we've got to show for it but a mime in a blue leotard and a bus driver who wants to change the world! [ZORAN makes a weeping motion with his hands] ASHLEY: Daryl, that's not nice - look you've made ZORAN cry! BAR TENDER: Have you considered trying to use probablistic methods? DARYL: What !?! BAR TENDER: Probabilistic methods. You see, since you know the state of the CSE professors in the past and the probability of any given event in the universe you can calculate the most likely location of any given professor you want. ASHLEY (pulls out a calculator and punches some buttons): Then by my calculations you must be Pedro Domingos! DARYL: Are you sure? ASHLEY: Well, 49 % sure, give or take 50 % ALAN BORNING: That's close enough for government work. [ASHLEY and DARYL look at ALAN BORNING and then themselves with quiziccal expressions. The group then turns to ZORAN who just shrugs his shoulders] BAR TENDER: Well the truth is I am Pedro Domingos. [ASHLEY puts PEDRO DOMINGOS sign on BAR TENDER. Then the PATRON turns to the group] DIETER: Barkeep, give me another beer! DARYL: Tough day at the office? DIETER: Nein. I'm the worst soccer coach ever. My team couldn't even beat a pack of Husky Dawgs. DARYL: That's ridiculous. Dogs can't play soccer, how would they kick the ball? DIETER: [Shocked that DARYL could ask such a question] With their heads. Alas, in the year 2050 my humanoid robotic soccer players will make me the best coach ever! [ZORAN starts doing the robot dance] ASHLEY: Wait a second - you must be Dieter Fox! DIETER: Das ist correct! [ASHLEY or DARYL puts sign on DIETER] DARYL: [Looking at watch] Wow, it's getting late, we need to get back to Sieg. The nth years can't hold off MS Advisor forever. ASHLEY: Silly first-year - come on, we've got a paper clip to overthrow! SCENE ends in a tumble of bodies. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: Faculty Meeting [FACULTY MEMBERS sit at conference table. Attending are: NOTKIN, BEAME (ideally wearing something that says "Kiss me - I'm theorist" -- you'll get it if you get bored while waiting outside his office), SUCIU, GAETANO, KAUTZ, LEVY, EGGERS, ARNSTEIN. NOTKIN stands up, & presents a slide.] [Agenda slide: Title: "Agenda for CSE Faculty Anti-Retreat" Bullet points: - Discuss agenda - Our return - Reduce jokes about beards - Department strategy ] NOTKIN: Welcome back, after so much time. Here's the agenda I've prepared for this meeting. The first item is to discuss the agenda. So, here's the agenda I've prepared for this meeting. The first item is to discuss the agenda. So, here's the agenda I've prepared for this meeting. The first item is to discuss the agenda. So, here's the agenda I've prepared ... BEAME: [brief, superhero-style monologue] Will this meeting ever terminate?! How can I decide? Hmm, I can recognize the termination by observing the progress of the meeting and accepting if the meeting terminates... SUCIU: wait, wait! We need to think about how we're going to store the minutes of this meeting. We've just started, and I already realized my XML schema doesn't account for what's been said in this _frankly_ semi-structured meeting. GAETANO: Yes, being away from school and not talking about XML must have been difficult for you. SUCIU: Not at all, I was implementing relational databases. GAETANO: Well it's not XML, but at least you were still in databases. SUCIU: Oh no, I implemented relational databases on top of XML. All that talk about Bob and Alice made me think: hey, aren't human relations really more important than data relations. So my relational database implements an advanced online personals site, which is implemented on top of XML. And, I compressed the XML, so people don't have waste too much time reading other people's personals ads. [pause] So, I guess you're still working at Intel Research GAETANO: "Intel __Research__"? I've never worked for Intel Research. I worked for the CIA gathering __intel__. By putting tiny, essentially-invisible computers everywhere, I created an intel room. I brought several enemy spies to justice after they unwittingly held secret meetings in one of my intel room. As soon as they turn out the lights to leave, the light switch e-mails a CIA agent. NOTKIN: Um, next item on the agenda. Now that we've returned, we need to plan the transition. But first, I'd like to announce that Susan Eggers has been named an NSF Fellow. Let's all congratulate Susan. ALL: [singing] For she's 3 jolly good Fellows, For she's 3 jolly good Fellows, For she's 3 jolly good Fellows, Which nobody can deny. NOTKIN: Fortunately, our transition to the new building will be easier with all the space we have in the new building. [to self] Hmm, when are we going to stop calling it the "new building"? BEAME: Actually, I can prove that we _will_ have space problems of great complexity in the new building. With the new building planned for MS Advisor and not faculty, and with the desire to preserve department traditions, such as not having enough space, a trivial application of the Pigeonhole Principle shows that we don't have enough space in the new building for 40 faculty, assuming that 8 pidgeons reduce to one faculty. NOTKIN: [to self] Funny, Ernst said that space problems would be an invariant in the department. [Suddenly] Oh my God! Henry, what are you doing at this meeting?! KAUTZ: Why? Wasn't I invited? NOTKIN: No, I mean you're on time. KAUTZ: Oh sure, I began to feel that Alzheimers patients didn't really need that much help anyway, and so I decided to repurpose my assisted cognition technology to help AI faculty arrive on time for meetings and classes. I haven't been late for months. NOTKIN: Now then, down to business. I might get a bit sentimental here -- this really brings me back -- but we have to do something about our space problems. Any ideas? KAUTZ: I could write an assisted cognition app that would "remind" people to leave the building. GAETANO: I like the PDA idea! We could have PDAs all over the department, in people's clothes, crawling invisibly on the ceiling, and they could remind people about appointments they have with other people in the department -- sorting out the confusion about what the meeting is about will keep people away from the building even longer. SUCIU: We could represent the department in XML, and then compress it. ARNSTEIN: We could encourage our students to get a night job. For example, I've been inspired by recent work done by some grad student men in Sieg Hall. [Slide changes to now-infamous picture of Arnstein as a Chippendale] LEVY: [triumphant] We could build a _new_ new building. [everyone pauses, considers] LEVY: [handing out folders with plans to faculty] I knew my skills would eventually come in handy again, so I've been thinking about a concept for a new new building. Here's my idea for how to take CSE into the 21st century. [pause] Well, _further_ into the 21st century. [Hank dramatically unveils slide of new new building design, which is an artistic rendering of the 1970s postcard of Sieg with a monorail coming out the window. The slide isn't detailed enough to show the infamous "2nd rail", so subsequent conversation will refer to the written plans in the folders.] LEVY: The new new building will use a classic design, bringing it into the ... well, further into the 21st century with a convenient monorail running right through the building. The monorail will go directly to Microsoft. NOTKIN: [referring to plans in folder] Um, that's not a monorail -- it has two tracks. LEVY: [pointing to folder] Yes, it's a technologically advanced monorail; the 2nd rail is added for increased stability. [pause, waiting for people to be impressed] I call the new new building, "Sieg Double Prime". KAUTZ: Who are "Double" and "Prime"? LEVY: [rhetorical] Who's "Sieg"? KAUTZ: [twitching] I'm not quite sure where I'm getting this information from, but Lee Paul Sieg was a physicist who was president of UW from 1934 to 1946. He died at the age of 84 in 1963, and the university decided to erect a building to his memory, though it's unknown whether they remembered him positively or negatively. Also, I have a meeting in 5 minutes; I better go. These electrical shocks get unpleasant, you know. NOTKIN: Well then, I think we have a plan. [theatrical] HANK, you will build us a building, a new new building. And let nothing stop you 'til we move from this empty shell we persist in calling the new building, into an even newer new building. END scene 5 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Coda: The end of grad school CHE: Well, that's it. The faculty is back NY2: The future of the department is in good hands NY3: I guess our work here is done. CHE: But what will we do now? NY2: On to greener pastures. SONG: THE END OF GRAD SCHOOL (to the tune of SOUND OF SILENCE, Simon & Garfunkel) Alternate lyrics: Steve Wolfman Performed by the band NTH YEARS: Hello caffeine my old friend I've come for my bean juice again I should be back home in my bed sleeping Instead I'm trying to write this thesis thing And the words get jumbled in my head Feels like lead This is the end of grad school Late last night I was alone That's when I heard the telephone Headhunters spoke with tongues of honey Weaving fever dreams of money And the sound of ka-ching is rare for a PhD We work for free That was the end of grad school "Fools," said I, "you do not know Research like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Tenure track will soon defeat you." With those words, to lecture I am bound Abandoning the sounds of grad school And then some students knock on wood Pray for three letters and a hood A decade older than the new first-years Sixty credit cards in deep arrears Someday they'll think: "If I'll end up at Google I might as well go today I need the pay To make an end to grad school" END SONG END SKIT HALT SHUTDOWN /bin/rm -rf /* ---------------------------------------------------------------------- TODO unresolved things - never actually knocked out clippy - Robin could stop talking like Yoda after revealing her true identity. - why doesn't Robin join them Everyone in the skit graduates and gets great jobs with their Ph.D.s. 1