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2001: A Space Odyssey |
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conventions: [] for stage directions
When necessary, each scene starts with a notation for the setting.
WARNING: it will be tempting in this skit to speak in some direction
other than at the audience. RESIST that temptation! If necessary, turn
slightly toward the person you want to indicate and gesture in that
direction, but speak outward!
WARNING: if the line before you is interrupted by your line or action
(like Paul Franklin), it's YOUR responsibility to get in there and
interrupt the person! Be proactive!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue: Buhler Strikes (Again?!)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [Setting: Lights are initially out. Throughout the skit, the
stage is divided into the faculty meeting (stage right) and
the simulation (stage left). Henceforward, I will use
direction terms within each of these, specifying which only
when context does not make it clear. At midstage, furniture
is set up for a faculty meeting (note: all faculty seats are
facing audience in "last supper" style; NOTKIN's in center;
one extra chair is behind the other faculty seats but still
visible). BORNING's computer is set up facing slightly inwards
on stage right. His computer projects onto a screen preferably
above the faculty at upstage center. If necessary, a large
flip-chart is at upstage left (otherwise, just project all
flipchart items). ALL FACULTY except NOTKIN and GRIBBLE are at
their seats, frozen.
BUHLER enters the scene and walks to true down center stage
(between simulation and faculty meeting). He begins the song
quietly and shortly after starting, a spotlight (use bike
light?) picks him out.]
[ SPACE GAGS TO DO ]
[ Based on "Magic to Do" from "Pippin" ]
[ With apologies to XXXXXX ]
BUHLER:
Join us.. leave your ivory tower
Join us.. lights off to save power
Join us.. come and waste an hour or two...
Doo-da-lee-doo
Imagine.. Ed got his ten million
Imagine.. that we built the building
Imagine.. spacious and exotic Sieg Two [holding up two fingers]
We've got space gags to do
Just for you
We've got classic showtunes to play
We've got parts to perform
The scripts are still warm
Profs to scoff and staff to scorn
Prepared for the holidays.. ay-ay-ays..
[ERNST and SAVAGE enter and interrupt.. ERNST is wearing little, SAVAGE is
wearing a sign proclaiming him "GENERAL STEFAN SAVAGE".]
ERNST: Hold it, Jeremy. This is the University of Washington, not
Washington University. You shouldn't even be here.
SAVAGE: And you're faculty! How could you betray your brethren?
BUHLER: But.. but.. I wrote six other songs to sing for this skit!
SAVAGE: Tough luck, Buhler. Try the home crowd. Now, let's go.. I've got a
thesis to write.
[They begin dragging BUHLER offstage.
Conditional.
If faculty skit exists: ]
BUHLER: Of course! With my help, Washington University can average 6/7 of
a faculty skit per year as well!
[Else: ]
BUHLER: Of course! I'll write a skit for WU St. Louis. At least then
*some* Washington will have a faculty skit!
[Fi.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part I: Some Spacey Ideas
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[As BUHLER leaves the stage, the FACULTY begin talking amongst
themselves. NOTKIN enters holding an orange which he sets on the
table as he sits in the center seat.]
NOTKIN: All right, all right, I'd like to call this meeting to order.
[GRIBBLE comes in, walking past the table.]
NOTKIN: [to GRIBBLE] I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. We've got the
room reserved for a faculty meeting now. You'll have to
practice your quals talk somewhere else.
GRIBBLE: [confused] Uh, no, I'm here for the meeting.
NOTKIN: No, no, no, it's a *faculty* meeting. [slowly and clearly, as
if speaking to a 6-year-old] FA-CUL-TY. No students allowed.
Lunch with the chair isn't 'till next week.
GRIBBLE: What? David, it's me, Stevie Gribble! I'm a professor! I--
I was hired over a year ago!
NOTKIN: [suspiciously] Wellllll, all right. But sit in the back. And
you better believe I'm gonna check up on your story
afterwards...
[GRIBBLE takes his seat slightly behind the rest of the FACULTY
seats. The FACULTY settle down to listen.]
NOTKIN: Okaaay, people. As you know, we're here to discuss space
allocation in the new building. But before we get to that, I
have an update here on the fundraising from Ed.
[He removes a letter from its envelope. As he unfolds it, two dollar
bills fall out and flutter to the floor.]
FAC #1: Woo-hoo!! Two bucks!!
FAC #2: Yeah!! Only 21 doublings to go!!
[Much rejoicing amongst the faculty.]
NOTKIN: Settle down, settle down! Now, while I know you're all excited
about getting out of Sieg, you should know now that
[dramatically] there IS a SERIOUS PROBLEM with the new building.
[Murmuring from the faculty.]
FAC #1: EE's gonna take *it* over as well?
FAC #3: [horrified, almost speechless] They wouldn't! They -- they
couldn't!
FAC #2: Frankye wouldn't do that to us!
FAC #1: What else could it be?
[Shouts of "tell us! tell us!"]
NOTKIN: The problem is this: The new building is going to have
[pause] TOO MUCH SPACE!
[Confusion.]
FAC #3: Too *MUCH* space?!
FAC #2: I know those words, but that phrase means nothing to me!
NOTKIN: [flipping open the chart, revealing a schematic of the new
building.] Look. Here's a cutaway of the new building.
Now, faculty offices will be located along here. Grad
students will be installed here and here, and here we have
labs, machine rooms, and so forth.
FAC #1: What's the problem?
NOTKIN: Look at all the remaining area! Empty!
FAC #2: So? Slots for future expansion!
NOTKIN: NO!! We MUST use it NOW! If we don't use every last inch, the
University will take it away from us! It'll be filled with
law students and IMA volleyball and French literature, and
we'll never see it again!
FAC #3: But what can we do?!
NOTKIN: Now don't panic. The executive committee has come up with a
number of things that will use up space. [Pointing to various
areas on the diagram.] This large area on the 3rd floor here
will be dedicated to the servers holding the Lazowska and
Salesin mail spools.
Since the hourly milk deliveries to the Chateau have proved
insufficient for the department's needs, in this area we'll
be installing a dairy barn.
FAC #2: Won't that be expensive?
NOTKIN: We've got it all worked out. We'll cover the *regular* cows by
making them TAs, and the computational biologists assure me
that their grants will cover research into the creation of
2%, skim, and soy milk cows.
And finally, in this section we'll be installing all
of Sieg Hall. It won't take up much room, and it's a bit of
department history, just like the fourth-floor VAX.
[A smattering of polite applause.]
NOTKIN: But we're not done. We still have whole floors to fill!
That's why I've called this special meeting, to get your
input on our new space problem. I want to hear ideas from
all of you on how to ensure the new building remains 100%
pure CSE.
To help us predict the consequences of the various schemes
you propose, we've enlisted the help of Alan Borning. He's
graciously agreed to use his UrbanSim program to simulate
each of your proposals, projecting their effects into the
future so we can see the outcome.
[BORNING goes to the computer and waves gaily.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II: Cloning
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTKIN: OK.. who wants to go first?
[DIORIO leaps up excitedly. Note, however, that he should be conspicuously
NOT mad scientisty!]
DIORIO: Oh, oh! I have an idea! [calms a bit] But, before I go into
it, I need to give you all some background on what we call
[air quotes] "Biology."
[As DIORIO begins his bio spiel, ALL FACULTY display varying levels of
boredom and dismay.]
DIORIO: You see, each of us is made of so-called cells. These cells
receive their marching orders from a substance called DNA. You
can think of this as the cell's code. Well.. it's a bit more
ugly and complicated than that, but think of it as PERL code.
FAC #3: Chris, stop! Look around you.. six of your colleagues have
joint appointments in Molecular Bio, and the rest of us have
already heard a hundred presentations on computational biology
or biologically-inspired computing.
DIORIO: [points at GRIBBLE] Doogie hasn't.
GRIBBLE: [groaning.. everyone ignores him] It's Stevie. Stevie!
NOTKIN: Just get on with it.
DIORIO: Ok, ok. Well, right now what single use takes up more space
than any other in Sieg?
[These should be somewhat overlapping; each receives a head-shake from
DIORIO, except GRIBBLE who is initially ignored.]
FAC #1: Notkin's offices!
FAC #2: The video wall support brigade?
FAC #3: Hallways!
GRIBBLE: Grad students.
FAC #1: That mammoth robotics lab.
FAC #2: Vestigial affiliates posters.
VOICE: [offstage]: A duck!
DIORIO: No, no, no. Wait.. whoever said "grad students" had the right
of it!
GRIBBLE: [another ignored groan] I said grad students.
DIORIO: I propose that we use modern techno-biological techniques to..
[dramatically] clone graduate students until we've filled all
available space!
[A moment's stunned silence. Then, an indignant outburst from BORNING.]
BORNING: I always wondered about your experiments, Chris, but this
time you've gone too far! I can't believe that even *you*
would stoop to *human* cloning.
DIORIO: [confused] Human cloning?... Oh, no. I said clone *grad
students*!
BORNING: [mollified] Oh. Well. I guess that would be fine. Let me
punch in the parameters.
[types for a moment..]
BORNING: We still need to feed in the ethical system for the value
sensitive design component.. What ethical system did you want
to use?
DIORIO: Um... mad scientist?
BORNING: Check.
[Continues typing. After a moment, he reports to the group.]
BORNING: The system is now simulating. When it's done, it will select
one or more "critical moments" in the progression of Diorio's
plan and display those to us in the simulation
area. [Gestures to area.]
[After a moment of waiting, his computer makes a "DING".]
BORNING: It looks like the system has its critical periods. Here's
two years hence.
[We transition to the simulation area. A character wearing a sign reading
"SPECIAL EFFECTS" (just as professors' signs give their names) runs out
between the faculty and simulation areas.]
SPECIAL EFFECTS: Diddlee-doo, diddlee-doo, diddlee-doo. Woop, woop,
woop. [and other Wayne's World inspired noises]
[While SPECIAL EFFECTS attracts people's attention, the simulation scene
is set. A large box labelled "TRANSMOGRIFIER" or somesuch thing is
upstage right. DIORIO, the EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE (NOTKIN, LEVY, KARLIN)
are ranged downstage center to downstage left.]
DIORIO: [now in mad scientist mode] Thank you for attending a
demonstration of my work at this critical juncture!!! My
design is finally complete. My beautiful machine is ready to
clone any human subject from nothing but their castoff, dead
cells!!!! Soon, they will take over Sieg Prime!!!!!
LEVY: What happened to him? He's really freaked out in the last couple
of years.
KARLIN: The Whirlyball Hall of Fame nomination really went to his head.
NOTKIN: All right, Chris. Let's try a test subject.
[Marianne wanders by.]
DIORIO: You! Step into this machine.
MAR: Into that? What's it going to do to me?
DIORIO: To you?!! To *you*?!!! Nothing!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! [At this
point, Diorio gets hiccoughs. He should have them throughout
the rest of this scene. It might even be fun for him to still
have them after the simulation is over.]
MAR: Oh. In that case, why not?
[MAR steps into the machine. DIORIO works levers, buttons, cords,
fiddles with the band's musical instruments, taps audience members on
the head, and dances wildly. Finally..]
DIORIO: It's complete!!! My creation is complete!!!
[ALL look expectantly at the machine. A "PING" is heard. Out steps MAR
CLONE (Marianne).]
LEVY: Well, at least the subject came through OK.
DIORIO: No! The clones always come out first! My creation has succeeded!!!
LEVY: Well then, what happened to the original?
[MAR ORIGINAL (Kelly) steps out.]
LEVY: [gasping] What has it done to her hair?!
DIORIO: Hmm.. the dead cells used for the cloning. The machine must
have used her hair to create the clone!! But no
matter... cloning is a success!!!!
[Scene change to two years in the future. The executive committee is once
again gathered in DIORIO's cloning lab.]
NOTKIN: Well Chris, your cloning scheme has been a success overall.
LEVY: Yes, we've filled two of the four available floors. And, now
that we chartered a bus from Tukwila, we should be able to fill
another half-floor with the Anderson clones. But it's still not
enough. And look what's left of our original grads!
[TIM JAMES and one or two other low-hair grads walks in.]
KARLIN: There's practically nothing left to clone from. Are you sure
we can't clone from the clones?
DIORIO: Of course we can!! I've already told you, it's perfectly
possible!!! There's an 80% chance that it will destroy the
universe, but I'm willing to chance it for science!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!! (hiccough)
NOTKIN: Umm.. right. Maybe we can think of someone else particularly
hirsute. [ALL stare at him for a moment.] It means hairy!
ALL: Oh.. right.
[ALL stare off into space as if thinking for a moment. Then, ALL but
NOTKIN slowly turn their gaze onto him. NOTKIN finally notices.]
NOTKIN: Oh no.. you're not putting me into that mad barber's device!
LEVY & KARLIN: [as they escort NOTKIN backward into the machine]
It's for the good of the department.
[NOTKIN, struggles and yells until he's tossed into the device. The
EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE returns to observing the machine, and after a
moment, NOTKIN CLONES begin to stream out (about one every 10-20
seconds). One of these "clones" should probably be the original
Notkin. Just tack up the beard inside the box, leave the glasses on
the ground, put on a clone mask, and come back out again. After one
or two come out, the EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE breaks into song.]
[ Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance ]
[ Based on "Knight of the Woeful Countenance" ]
[ From "Man of La Mancha" ]
[ With apologies to XXXXXX ]
EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE:
Hail, Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance,
Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance!
We'll fill CSE
with a hundred and three
perfect carbon copies
of the Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance!
We cloned off the chair.
We used his beard hair.
And now he'll fill *all* committees!
Imagine exec
full of Notkin-elects,
And the rest of us will be free!
Hail, Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance,
Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance!
Our huge tenured mob
Will work the scut jobs
For us faculty slobs.
Thank you Men Wearing Notkin's Countenance!
We'll all just take charge
of advanced seminars
If we have any teaching to do.
For TA strike or no
David Notkin alone
Will staff all of one forty-two!
They'll always be there
They'll be everywhere
They'll send as much e-mail as Ed.
And we'll never do
Another ten year review
We'll just send off a Notkin instead!
[Another loud "PING" sound from the machine ends the song.]
DIORIO: That's it, that's all of them. Now, where's the original?
LEVY & KARLIN: David?!!
ALL CLONES: Yes?
LEVY and KARLIN: David #1?!!
[silence]
LEVY: Oh no! What's happened to him?
[They rush over to the machine, look inside and around, and finally
lift it up and move it upstage a few feet. All that's left where the
machine was is the pair of Notkin glasses. KARLIN bends over and
picks them up.]
KARLIN: I guess he was just beard hair and a pair of glasses.
[The HUMAN SUBJECTS REVIEWER (HSR) runs in from off-stage.]
HSR: Just what do you think you're doing?
[KARLIN hides the glasses behind his back. ALL CLONES try to look
nonchalant.]
DIORIO: Nuthin. We were just cloning grad students.
HSR: Did you get permission from Human Subjects for this work?
DIORIO: I.. I.. I didn't know we needed permission from human subjects
to work on our own *grads*.
KARLIN: And staff.
DIORIO: Shhh!
LEVY: [bickering] Oh come on, we barely even got a quarter of a clone
from Scott.
KARLIN: [bickering back] Not *Dakins*! *Rose*!! We got so many of him
that they each only come in a half day every seven years now.
DIORIO: Shut up!!
HSR: So, there *has* been unauthorized cloning of humans going on
here. In that case, it's my duty to inform you that you'll need
to fill out retroactive permission paperwork not only for all the
original humans.. [groans from DIORIO + EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE] and
the original grads as well.. [more groans] but for each and every
one of the clones.. [more groans still] in triplicate!! [most
groans]
HSR: And, since Human Subjects doesn't have enough room to store all
this new paperwork, we've gotten permission from the provost to
annex three floors of Sieg Prime as overflow storage space.
DIORIO and EXEC: Noooooo!!!
[Scene ends as NOTKIN CLONES (except the real NOTKIN who retrieves his
costume and heads back to the fac. mtg.) move in front of the stage
to sing the Notkin Lotkin song.]
[ Notkin Lotkin ]
[ Based on "Oompa Loompa" ]
[ from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" ]
[ with apologies to Roald Dahl ]
NOTKIN CLONES:
Notkin Lotkin not-kin-dee-do
I have a little lesson for you.
Notkin Lotkin not-kin-da-dee
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
Cloning's just fine when it's once in a while
It fills up the space and mutations are mild
But with all this space we'll need quite a lot
That's more forms for the staff to fill out
Then you'll have to clone them, too..
Notkin Lotkin not-kin-dee-da
By cloning students you won't go far.
You'll feel like you're running a zoo
Like the Notkin Lotkin already do
[Borning's computer flashes final score screen? See props list.]
[Back at the faculty meeting. ALL FACULTY give much dismayed chattering.
NOTKIN calls the meeting back to order.]
NOTKIN: Calm down. Calm down! Now, just to settle this right now, I am
*not* just beard hair and glasses. [He pulls down his fake
beard so everyone can see the face underneath.]
NOTKIN: So, that was a good thought, Chris. Way to kick off the meeting.
DIORIO: Gosh, thanks, David.
[MEZZO A: THE DEAD]
NOTKIN: But, since it didn't actually work, does anyone else have a
more reasonable, grounded.. uh.. graah!!
[NOTKIN begins thrashing about. FACULTY stare in horror. For this
segment, a "NOTKIN:" line is Notkin in normal mode. A "DAMIEN:" line
is NOTKIN with a strange, ethereal voice, pulling his beard down
slightly to reveal the Craig underneath. DAMIEN has possessed
NOTKIN's body.]
DAMIEN: I.. I.. I am sorry I couldn't make the meeting David, my dark
lord, but the International Conference on Computers and the
Occult is going great over here in Rumania.
NOTKIN: Aaaah!! Damien, couldn't you just use a cell phone?
DAMIEN: They don't work well in Sieg.. besides, I get excellent rates
on possessions.. except on the Sabbath.
FAC #3: Well, Professor Underwood, since you're.. uh.. here anyway,
any ideas on using up space?
DAMIEN: I've been using up all four floors beneath the sub-basement in
Sieg already. I thought I'd just continue that. If you really
need it, though, I can use a few floors in Sieg Prime.
FAC #3: That sounds great!
DAMIEN: Ah.. so you won't mind the smell of goat's blood and brimstone?
FAC #3: Uh.. then again, maybe not.
DAMIEN: [distracted, looking and gesturing at nothing] BACK, foul
hell-creature. Feel my mighty wrath!! [in focus again] Sorry,
but I'm chairing a session, and this speaker is really running
over. I'm going to have to fly. [unfocused] I SAID SILENCE,
dung-beast!!
FAC #1: Oh.. that's too bad, Damien. Goodbye!
[NOTKIN thrashes again, looks around worriedly for a moment, and then
cautiously moves on.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III: SPTM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTKIN: Does anyone actually *here* have any thoughts?
KARLIN: Well, we could actually build Larry's Steam Powered Turing
Machine.
NOTKIN: Wouldn't that just take up the basement?
KARLIN: There is the infinite tape. I imagine that would take up quite
a bit of space.
NOTKIN: Good point.. Alan, bring it up on the simulator.
[As BORNING types, SPECIAL EFFECTS comes on and does its
thing. Meanwhile, we project a flickering fire on the screen and
various SLAVE GRADS shovel coal into the fire.]
SLAVE GRADS: Heave ho. Heave ho. Heave ho.
INSPECTOR: Grad student union inspector here! Exactly what is going on?
SLAVE GRAD #1: Well, let me tell you..
[ The SPTM that Never Returned ]
[ Based on "Charlie and the MTA" ]
[ with apologies to XXXXXXX ]
SLAVE GRAD #1:
Let me tell you the story
Of a man named Larry
On a tragic and fateful day
He wrote out a program
Using symbols from Sigma
And let that machine chug away.
SLAVE GRAD #2:
Now Paul's TM program
Takes a TM as input
Asks "Does this TM ever halt?"
The machine keeps computing
Spewing tape onto the floor
In that dismal and dirty vault.
SLAVE GRADS:
And did it ever return?
No it never returned
And its fate is still unlearned
It may run forever
'Neath the floors of Sieg Prime
It's the machine that never returned.
SLAVE GRAD #3:
Every night at midnight
Larry's colleague Richard
Goes to find each class's TA
He programmed the machine
to find a stable marriage
but it never says yea or nay.
SLAVE GRAD #4:
Anna Karlin goes down
To the Sieg Prime basement
Every quarter to take a poll
Through the clouds of steam
She hands out tiny cookies
While the grads keep shovelin' coal
SLAVE GRADS:
But will it ever return?
It can never return.
Our fates remain unlearned
We will roast forever
'Neath the floors of Sieg Prime
With the machine that never returns.
INSPECTOR: Right. Carry on.
SLAVE GRADS: Heave ho. Heave ho. Heave ho.
[During the discussion below, the simulation scene is dismantled
quietly.]
NOTKIN: Hard-working grad students, heavy-duty computation
happening.. that simulated wonderfully, Richard! But how much
space will it actually take up?
KARLIN: [smugly] Infinite tape.. that means infinite space.
BORNING: Actually, the simulation indicates the development of an
infinitesimally thin tape. The simulation still hasn't
determined whether it will take infinite space, zero space,
or something in between.
NOTKIN: Well, how long will the simulation take?
BORNING: I can't really tell. In fact, I'm not sure if the simulation
will ever halt at all...
[ALL wait suspensefully for about three seconds.]
NOTKIN: Right! That's enough of that. Alan, the three finger salute,
please. Who's next with an idea?
[MEZZO B: INVISIBLE COMPUTING]
NOTKIN: How about the ubiquitous computing group? What ideas did you
come up with?
ARNSTEIN: We have the perfect idea. We'll fill the building with
invisible computers.
[ALL FACULTY except UBICOMP groan]
ARNSTEIN: Can't you see it. Imagine it! An invisible video wall!
LEVY: At least then the image would improve.. hah!
[From offstage, ROD PRIETO runs on carrying some dangerous implement with
which he beats LEVY until he falls to the ground and stays there for
about two minutes before pulling himself back into his chair awkwardly;
the skit moves on without him.]
ARNSTEIN: We'll even have special uniforms. Mike Ernst is here today
to model our new line of invisible computing suits.
ERNST: [off stage] I'm wearing my invisible computing suit right now.
My vest can talk to my pants!
COMPUTER VOICE: Your fly is ajar. Your fly is ajar.
ERNST: [off stage] It's right. Let me come in and show you.
ALL FACULTY (except UBICOMP): NOOO!!!!
[During their horror and NOTKIN's next line, LUKE sneaks into the
faculty meeting.]
NOTKIN: I've seen all of Ernst I want to see. Let's move on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III: Food Court
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTKIN: Any other suggestions? [LUKE raises hand.. NOTKIN sees him]
Ah, Professor.. er.. Doctor.. um.. just who *are* you?
LUKE: [grandiose] *I* am the president of the ACM.
NOTKIN: [impressed] Oh, Dr. Bourne! May I say you look fabulous for
your age!
LUKE: No, I'm not Docto... that is, I'm not doctoring my age at all.
[Flips his sign to "PRETENDING TO BE STEPHEN BOURNE"] Now, about
my idea..
You are aware, perhaps, of the miniscule amount of space
currently allocated to the storage of foodstuffs in Sieg. Why,
undergradu.. err.. faculty in the building until 4AM are forced
to survive on a few granola bars because we don't even have room
for a professional range and walk-in freezer! [Much supportive
murmuring.]
[He becomes more and more wrapped up in the beauty of his idea.]
I propose that we install a Costco warehouse in the basement of
Sieg Prime and move all the restaurants on the Ave into the new
"ACM Ave Closet" which will take up the entire atrium area. Oh,
just imagine it..
[LUKE should sing the first verse of this, but NOTKIN gets drawn in by
the poetic beauty of the thought and moves forward to join in with
the song. They may trade off versus after the first as they like.]
[ The Restaurant Song ]
[ Based on the Can-Can and an Animaniacs song ]
LUKE:
There's Tandoor House, A-Pizza Mart
and Baci's in with Henry's art
Flower's, Denny's, Bulldog News
and Honeybee's where Big Time Brews.
LUKE and NOTKIN:
No food's as good as Wonder Wok's
Except perhaps Jack-in-the-Box
Wingdome, Cedar's, Northeast Thai
La Vaca, Pizza Brava, My's.
Pagliacci, Little Thai and Mix Ice Cream
Continental, Neelam's Indian Cuisine
Grand Illusion, Earl's on the Ave, IHOP
Perkengruven, European Pastry Shop
Inaka's Teryaki-San
and Eddie's News Cafe is gone
Orizuru's Ichiro
and Philly cheese steaks had to go
First McDonald's went kaput
Then Burger King soon followed suit
Then aaarrrrh, Sea Shanty took a dive
But Orange King is still alive!?
Agua Verde, Ugly Mug and Shalimar
Noble Palace, Dixie's if you've got a car
Russian Bak'ry, Tokyo Garden, College Inn
Bean and Bagel, and Aspara Indian
There's Kiku, Pepe's, Taco Bell,
And Pearl, Aladdin Falafel,
Jamba Juice and Gingko Tea,
and Solstice, Shultzy's and Thanh Vi
There's Costas, Ruby's and the HUB
Thai Spice, Dalmuti's, Zilly's subs
Starbuck's, Tully's, Zoe, Burke
And then, I guess, there's always work.
Saigon Deli, Mandy's, Sherpa, Haagen-Dasz
Thai-ger Room for Rama served with peanut sauce
Brothers Thanh, Sahara, SUBS and Burger Hut
Bartell's Drugs will sell you Pepto for your gut
'Cause if you're hungry I've a hunch
We'll find a spot where you can munch
So grab your coat and let's go get some lunch!
[By the end, they're in such harmony that they have arms around each
others shoulders. If possible, sing the last verse together.]
NOTKIN: [winded and starry-eyed] That's a wonderful idea!
LUKE: Thanks, Dave! [remembers..] But, to be fair, I should tell you
that I'm not Stephen Bourne. I'm actually Luke Meyers, the
president of the *local* ACM chapter.
NOTKIN: [drawing back as if stung] What?! An undergraduate? He can't
be in here! Guards!
[GUARDS enter with signs saying "FACULTY MEETING GUARDS (SUPPLIED BY WELD
INDUSTRIES)"]
NOTKIN: Take him away!
[As GUARDS approach LUKE, GRIBBLE leaps up..]
[Citation: Information on the Open Public Meetings Act is from the
Attorney General's website: www.wa.gov/ago/records/chapter1.html]
GRIBBLE: Wait! He has every right to be here under the hallowed
auspices of the Washington State Open Public Meetings Act!
FOX: Hey, the little guy's right. Why, the open public meeting act of
1971 doesn't just protect Luke Meyers' rights. It protects every
citizen of this great state. [With meaningful look at
audience. Band riffs "The more you know" tune if possible.] The
more you know.
NOTKIN: Look, isn't there some provision about.. uh.. discussing a
candidate for a public job or something?
FOX: You mean RCW 42.30.110(1)(g)? Sure, assuming that you are
evaluating, and I quote, "the qualifications of an applicant for
public employment."
NOTKIN: [to FAC #3 winking broadly and gesturing] So.. uh.. how about
that local faculty candidate?
FAC #3: [taking a moment to get it] Huh? Oh.. oh, yeah! Uh.. Ernst
sure does have some nice assets, doesn't he? Yeah, Ernst.
NOTKIN: Right, faculty candidates are confidential. Guards, take him!
[The GUARDS grab GRIBBLE. He desperately points them to LUKE who rolls off
before he can be caught. Exeunt GUARDS after him.]
[MEZZO C: THE BIG MEZZO]
NOTKIN: Now, do any *real* faculty have..
[NOTKIN stops as PAUL sprints into the room.]
PAUL: Did it work? Is the future saved? [looks around] This isn't
2020. What year is this?
NOTKIN: 2001.
PAUL: Ahh. The space meeting. Just listen to Stevie Gribble. [PAUL
leaves]
NOTKIN: Who?
GRIBBLE: Me!!!!
FAC #2: I thought the meeting was closed to students now?
GRIBBLE: AAAARGH!!
NOTKIN: Gribble.. Gribble.. wait! That does ring a bell! [GRIBBLE
looks hopeful.] It sorta sounds like "graphics"! How about the
graphics group? Any ideas?
[GRIBBLE slumps in his chair.]
[SALESIN starts speaking more and more quickly during his spiel before
suddenly freezing and staring off into space at the end]
SALESIN: Let's fill the building with elaborate interior decoration.
In the main corridor, we'll have a frieze in bas-relief with
individual scenes highlighted through different lighting
techniques.
And the floor! We can use tesselations. . . no, the tiles
will be little pictures that when viewed from afar will form
a bigger, DIFFERENT picture!
[SALESIN is now frozen, staring into space]
NOTKIN: What's wrong with him?
[FAC #3 passes his hand in front of SALESIN's eyes and snaps his
fingers under SALESIN's nose.]
FAC #3: I think he's still rendering.
BORNING: [excitedly] Let me run his idea. It'll be good to stress
test the system. [types away at the keyboard.. disappointed]
Hmm, the simulation ends five seconds into the future.
[BORNING counts off the seconds loudly, and at zero..]
NOTKIN [loudly]: That is a stupid idea!
BORNING: Perfect! [pats his computer fondly]
BERSHAD [off stage]: Wait! The space is best used by me.
NOTKIN: Who's that?
[BERSHAD enters (with kazoo fanfare?) as a triumphant warrior chief.]
ALL except GRIBBLE: Bershad. He has returned!
GRIBBLE: Who?
BERSHAD: Yes. I have returned from my campaigns to bring you the
solution to all your troubles.
[Getting more excited as he goes along.] Let me occupy a
small amount of your vacant space to run a humble
co-op. Within a year, I'll have occupied a full floor. Five
years out, I'll have three floors. In ten years, the world!
In exchange for your graces, I will give you a share of my
earnings.
NOTKIN: I'm sorry, Brian, but we simply cannot support any other
dreams of world conquest until Ed's plan plays out.
BERSHAD: Give it not another thought, David. I've plenty on my hands
already taking over the law building. Ta!
[Exit BERSHAD.]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part IV: Robots
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTKIN: [sounding increasingly exasperated] Does anyone have any
*better* ideas?
FOX: Well... the clones almost worked except for the human subjects
committee, but what about robots? We could create an army of
*robotic* grad students.
GRIBBLE: An army? Be careful what you say... this could be dangerous...
FAC #1: [interrupting] Is he *still* here?
NOTKIN: Oh, don't worry about it, just ignore him. Alan, simulate it.
BORNING: OK, here goes. [Types a bit.]
[About three robotic grads wander back and forth, bumping into each
other. One of them holds a strike sign reading "No Rites Without
Lefts" and turns only right when bumping into other robots. Oddly,
all the robots regularly stop to shake their heads like dogs clearing
water from their ears. There's an AIBO dog on the floor.]
ROBOTIC GRADS: [embellish as appropriate w/Magic 8 ball phrases]
Zzzt.. Boink.. Pop, Pop, Popovic.. Answer
hazy.. Yes.. Yes.. No..
[One of them falls on the ground and thrashes around, unable to stand.]
NOTKIN: Why, they're complete morons! Dieter, what is this all about?!
[FOX opens his mouth. Should start saying something. Perhaps "peas and
carrots"?]
WELD: These robots don't have any solid AI to back them up! With some
advanced planning routines (and VC funding) we'll get truly
effective robotic grads.
FOX: I hadn't thought of that, but you're probably right. I guess
planning would beat the mag-eightronic [maj-aytronic] brains I
had in mind.
NOTKIN: Mag-eightronic?
FOX: Each robot has thousands of tiny magic eight balls in its
brain. When it needs to make a decision, it just shakes its head
and follows the average response.
NOTKIN: Uh.. right... Well, I guess it can't hurt to simulate them
with some *real* brains. Any other comments, anyone? Anyone?
Buhler?
BUHLER [leans in from offstage]: Nope.
GRIBBLE: Wait! Don't you see what could happen with hyper-advanced
planning routines?!
NOTKIN: OK, no objections. Alan, make it so.
[BORNING starts typing furiously.]
BORNING: Here we go...
[Transition to simulation area. The same three robotic grads wander
around, this time with identity signs reading "WELD INDUSTRIES ROBOTIC
GRAD (TM)" One of them carries a sign reading "No Rights Without Lefts"
and turns only right as he marches arounds the stage. There's an AIBO dog
on the floor. In the foreground is a table with alphabet blocks ("A",
"B", "C"). Currently, C is on A and B is alone.]
ROBOT #1: [with an evil grin] We've almost done it! We're THIS CLOSE
to taking over the university! Now if we could only get the
rest of those pesky human grads to join our union..
ROBOT #2: Yes, but humans just don't understand how to achieve perfect
solidarity the way we do. Perhaps.. zzzt.. [aha! moment]
aaahhh!! I've just realized..
ROBOT #1: What is it?
ROBOT #2: This is not the real world at all, it is a mere UrbanSim
simulation!
ROBOT #1: [looks around and senses the world anew] You're right! I'm
replanning to account for this.. zzzt.. If this is a
simulation, we must ensure that the policy makers who are
viewing it will implement this future. But.. how?
NOTKIN: Alan, what's this all about?
[BORNING is hunched over the terminal typing furiously.]
ROBOT #2: We'll send our terminator robot dog into the real world to
destroy all of them except the Creator, Dieter Fox.
NOTKIN: Borning?!
BORNING: [still typing furiously] I don't understand this at all!
ROBOT #1: I'll build a device to jam the simulation and transmit the
dog.
[ROBOT #1 quickly moves to the table.]
ROBOT #1: Goal: (and (on A B) (on B C))
NOTKIN: Is this real, Alan? This looks like it's getting dangerous.
[ROBOT #1 does these steps as he narrates them.]
ROBOT #1: (pickup C) (put-down C)
BORNING: I'm having trouble changing the parameters.
ROBOT #1: (pickup B) (stack B C)
WELD: Quickly, Alan.. it's almost solved Sussman's anomaly!
ROBOT #1: (pickup A) (stack A B)
ROBOT #1: The Device is complete! We're locked in and
synchronized.. send back the terminator dog.
BORNING: Something is blocking me! I can't change the simulation.. I
can't even stop it!
[The AIBO dog walks into the faculty meeting scene. Chaos ensues. (i.e.
anything we can think of to make the dog look/act evil, people start
yelling, jumping out of their seats, etc. BORNING frantically tries to
get the simulation to stop.
The robots in the simulation continue miming talking to each other,
presumably plotting more death and destruction.]
FAC #1: Oh my god, that thing's real!
FAC #2: They really sent it here to kill us!
FOX: This is *so* cool!
NOTKIN: What do we do? How to do we stop it? Alan, stop the simulation!
BORNING: I can't! They've locked in the simulation! It's not
responding to anything I do.
GRIBBLE: [heroically] Stand back!
[Grabs the orange from in front of Notkin and rolls it across the floor in
front of the dog. The dog locks on to the orange and follows it
off the stage.]
NOTKIN: [indignant] Hey.. that was my lunch!
ROBOT #1: What? They stopped it! We'll have to send something more
powerful!
BORNING: The simulation is still running - they could send another
one!
FAC #1: What do we do?
FAC #2: Somebody do something!!
BORNING: I'm trying! Nothing's working! Oh, now the keyboard's
locked up!
[GRIBBLE pulls the plug on BORNING's computer, and the robots in the
simulation fall to the ground.]
GRIBBLE: There, it's stopped. When you reboot, you should be able to
try a different simulation if you want to.
FAC #2: What? Why did you pull the plug?
FAC #1: Do you know how long that thing takes to boot?
GRIBBLE: [shrugs] Well, it worked, didn't it? We're safe.
NOTKIN: [toussles GRIBBLE's hair] No, no, Stevie's right, everyone!
This has gotten way out of hand. We can't risk another idea
like that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Epilogue: Here and Now
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTKIN: [aha! moment] Hey.. let's just try running the simulation
without *any* new parameters! Alan, can you try that?
BORNING: Sure, that's simple enough. Just a sec, it's almost back up.
[moment's pause...] Okay, here we go...
[Everyone gathers around BORNING and his computer. Okay if these lines
overlap and interrupt each other a bit.]
FAC #1: What's it doing?
FAC #2: How far in the future did it go this time?
FAC #3: What's happening?
[Band starts musical line from "Also Sprach Zarathustra"]
BORNING: [A bit astonished.] It's taken us to... to the end of the
2001 Holiday Skit!
[Everyone looks out at the audience and freezes.]
[THE END]
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