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conventions: [] for stage directions
Each scene starts with a notation for the setting and a list of
characters who should be on stage. The news reporter and Paul Beame
should be on stage (in one corner, probably, for the whole skit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part I: 10 YEAR RECOMMENDATION
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [Random boardroom - upstage center there's a table with chairs
behind it, name placards, microphones, glasses, and a pitcher
of water on it. The 10-year review committee sits behind the
table. LAZOWSKA stands facing the committee with his back to
the audience. On his back is a sign saying "MIKE ERNST as ED
LAZOWSKA" from which hangs a second sign saying: "KICK ME,
I'M THE CHAIR"
In the foreground, stage left, is the NEWS REPORTER and PAUL
BEAME. LAZOWSKA and the 10-year review committee are
frozen.. 'off-screen'; BEAME scribbles on his board,
gobbledygook about asymptotic analysis of the election; the
REPORTER addresses the audience. In the audience, sit PLANTS
#1, 2, and 3, well dispersed.
On the back wall is a list of the candidates that are to
appear, as each one is disqualified, their names are crossed
out until only Alon's remains. The list goes:
Pedro Domingos
Gaetano Boriello
Alon Halevy
Larry Snyder
Oren Etzioni
Hank Levy
Daniel S. Weld
Followed by a bunch of others. Vint Cerf and Mike Ernst are
last minute additions; everyone after Weld ends up being cut
from the list.
]
REPORTER: This is an historic moment in departmental history. With all
but the final few ballots in, this race is still tighter
than Zoran Popovic's blue zip-loc suit. Hank Levy and Alan
Borning have split the vote exactly. While we await the
final count, let's see how this all got started. One week
ago, the ten-year review committee made their final
recommendation on how to replace Hurricane Ed..
[REPORTER and BEAME step back and become non-noteworthy. Meanwhile,
the 10-year review committee covers their mikes and leans across to
each other, whispering importantly. After a few moments, the head of
the committee leans forward portentiously.]
10 YR HEAD: After due consideration, the 10 year review committee
recommends that you perform a breadth first chair search
in the audition/election model.
LAZOWSKA [WITH NORMAL FEELING; *DON'T* SOUND LIKE A TALKING TOASTER]:
I'm sorry, what?
10 YR HEAD: You audition candidates, eliminating the mere
thrill-seekers early, and hold an election to decide among
the remainder. It works much faster than the standard
process.
LAZOWSKA: Faster?
10 YR HEAD [MILDLY EXASPERATED]: Yes, faster. You needn't go through
the whole tedious interview process this way. Interviews
are much slower.
LAZOWSKA: Slower?
10 YR HEAD [SOMEWHAT UNNERVED]: Of course! Look, you don't have to
read their papers, you don't have to ask questions. They
just do a little song and dance and you either give them
the old one-two or you put them on the ballot. It's like
"Chair Search Lite".
LAZOWSKA: How light?
10 YR HEAD [WHOLLY DISTURBED]: Haven't you understood a single thing
I've said?! It's a simple process. It's just like that Fox
Special... [GROPES FOR TITLE]
[PLANTS yell out suggestions, almost all together]
PLANT #1: America's Scariest Quals Courses?
PLANT #2: Who Wants to Marry Mr. December?
PLANT #3: When Faculty Attack?
PLANT #1: CSE's Sexiest Bachelors?
PLANT #2: Secrets of Tenure Revealed?
PLANT #3: Surprise Stable Marriage?
10 YR HEAD: No, no, no! The Dr. CS & E Pageant. Auditions, judges'
ratings, and a winner. Simple, economical, provably
polynomial time! [TO THE AUDIENCE] (The proof is left as
an exercise for the audience.)
LAZOWSKA [TURNING TO FACE THE AUDIENCE EXCITEDLY]: Alright, I've got
it! Let's get on this! I've only got.. [CHECKS WATCH]
4,376,252 seconds left as chair!
[LAZOWSKA runs offstage. REPORTER and BEAME return to center
stage. During this time, effect the scene change by moving the table
to upstage right, facing partly upstage with RACHEL's seat on the
downstage end (so she can face the audience).]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part II: THE AUDITIONS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [Sieg 134 - Notkin, chair selection committe, Gaetano, Alon,
other profs, not Pedro (at first). The committee is seated
behind their table. The other profs are seated at the front
of the audience, or milling around in a group, or something
like that. Our attention is initially on the reporter.]
REPORTER: After that, the bipartite commission on chair auditions laid
out a format acceptable to all. We don't have time to
broadcast all of the commission's divisive wrangling. The
heated exchange went back and forth across the aisle, words
so vehement it seemed as if each pair were arc
enemies.
Indeed, there was an ugly rumor that none of the candidates
even wanted to be chair, and so they were attempting to
disqualify themselves. We'll let you decide by taking you
back to the auditions themselves. [STEPS ASIDE TO REVEAL THE
SETTING FOR THE AUDITIONS]
NOTKIN: Welcome, everyone. We've reserved this wonderful space for
you to hold the auditions for the new chair. Welcome to our
spacious auditorium, Sieg 134.
RACHEL: All right, let's get started with these auditions. We were
hoping to have one more student member on the committee, but
all the first-years say they're too busy.
[FIRST-YEAR STUDENT enters, rushing across the stage as if they're
in a a hurry]
RACHEL: Wait a minute! [FIRST-YEAR STOPS] We haven't asked you yet!
Can you be on the selection committee for the new department
chair?
FIRST-YEAR: [CONFUSED] Huh? What? No way! I don't have time for
that I'm late for my 531 group already.
["None", on the trials of first year grads]
[ with apologies to U2 ]
[ Jeffrey Hightower ]
Will my life get better,
Or is second year the same?
Will I ever see the day when
My social life's reclaimed? I've got
No love,
No life,
When I'm in Sieg,
Every night.
No love,
I wouldn't dare it.
I've got no time, baby,
To spare for it.
HUB food disappoints me,
Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
But if I'm never going to see sleep,
It's food I cannot go without. The project
Due date,
Is tonight.
But I'm wasting time surfing,
News web sites,
It's one,
But that's not too late,
When you're
Pulling all-nighters,
Pulling all-nighters.
None...
My friends show me no forgiveness,
They've all taken me for dead,
While I sit here reading Sipser,
They go out for drinks instead.
Do I work too much?
More than a lot!
Two hours sleep again, that's
All I've got.
To my profs, well it's
All the same. I took
531 but have to
Do it again. They say,
Quals is a temple,
Quals the higher law.
Quals is a temple,
3.4 [THREE-FOUR] the higher law.
Espresso's in the Chateau,
So down the stairs I'll crawl.
Then back at my desk, I'll nap,
'Til the caffeine hits,
'Cause all I've got is work.
No love.
No food.
No life.
I feel so misunderstood.
Haven't bathed for
Eighty hours, but I
Hear the new building is gonna
Have showers
No sleep, so we're
All the same,
We get to
Wake up each other,
Wake up each other,
For class...
None.
[FIRST-YEAR leaves]
RACHEL: Well, okay. I guess we'll have to make do with what we've
got. Let's get started with these auditions. The first
candidate is... [LOOK AT LIST]... Pedro Domingos.
[Everyone looks around. DOMINGOS is not there.]
ALL: [AD LIB] Is he here?... Where is he?... Is he coming?... Onde
esta Pedro?... Esta aqui?... Pedrito?
RACHEL: Well, it looks like Pedro's not here yet. Let's move on to
our next candidate. We can try and squeeze Pedro's audition
in when he shows up. The next candidate is... Gaetano
Borriello.
BORIELLO: [COMES TO THE FRONT OF THE STAGE.] Thank you, Rachel.
First of all, I'd like to point out that I'm taking no
public election funds for this campaign. All of my money
comes from Intel.
COMM MEMBER 1: [NOISILY PULLS OUT A NOTE] Excuse me, Professor
Borriello, but I have an anonymous deposition ---
signed only "Definitely NOT Gaetano" --- which suggests
that you were once convicted of doping?
BORIELLO: What? No, of course, not, never... Oh, you must be referring
to the VLSI research I used to do...
[Note: Zinc --> think, Silicon --> Silly con, Bismuth --> business,
Cesium --> seize him, Yttrium --> atrium]
RACHEL: Arrests for doping! I can't believe that we have to deal with
the criminal *element* at this stage of the process! Did you
Zinc that you could just tunnel through our background checks?
You Silicon! We'll have none of that Bismuth in our chair
search. We're routing you right out of this audition! [TO THE
OTHER COMM MEMBERS] Cesium! And, send him back out into the
Yttrium.
BORIELLO: But wait, I can explain.... It was just a youthful
indiscretion.
RACHEL: [GESTURING OFF STAGE] I'm sorry. Take him away!
BORIELLO: [WALKS OFF STAGE, MUTTERING] Well, that gets me out of that!
[GRINS AT AUDIENCE]
[DOMINGOS runs in, oblivious to the fact that he's late and has been
skipped.]
[Throughout DOMINGOS's speech, RACHEL tries repeatedly to interrupt
but is unable (raising her hand and waving, clearing her throat,
abortively starting sentences, etc.).]
DOMINGOS: [ALL IN ONE BREATH AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE - NO PAUSES.] Okay,
let's get started. I don't think I should be the next
department chair because of my valuable contributions to the
field of machine learning, particularly ensemble models and
decision trees. We wouldn't want to end my burgeoning
career. Speaking of which, I've earned an NSF CAREER award,
won the National Whirlyball Championships, and received two
awards for highest sustained bandwidth on an audio channel.
And I haven't even started any companies (yet). [LOOKS AT
HIS WATCH.] Oh no, I'll be late, I need to get to Canada
before midnight! Poof! [RUNS OFFSTAGE]
RACHEL: A chair from Canada! Unprecedented! He's disqualified... Well,
let's move on to the next candidate. Alon Halevy?
HALEVY: Hello everyone. Thanks for being here. I'd like to be chair
because I think it would be a great way for me to contribute
to the department and help everyone realize how important
database research is. Who needs seventeen other research
areas, anyway? We've got it all... theory, systems, AI. I've
written a song which I think sums up my arguments.. it's on
this slide Zack made for me.. Come, gather round me my
students, my CSE family!
[BREAKS INTO SONG]
[ I Just Mailed To Send ILOVEYOU ]
[After S. Wonder, "I Just Called to Say I Love You"]
[ Jeremy Buhler ]
No emailed jokes
Whose time has passed
No home employment schemes for making money fast
No parodies
Of Bush or Gore
Just one small worm that wants to be your paramour
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
I just mailed to say your files are gone
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
Open up your address book and let me spawn
No building plans
No search for chairs
No cries for help with linear time-invariant stairs
But what it is
Will cause such dread
It's even worse than all the usual spam from Ed
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
I just mailed to say your files are gone
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
Be more careful with attachments from Alon
[ after song, workmen come in, followed by Notkin ]
WORKMAN: We're sorry, but you're going to have find somewhere else to
meet. We need to install the new video ceiling in this room.
NOTKIN: It's all right, though - I've found another place for you to
go. It's a grad office, but since we're running out of space
in the building, we have to double up, and we've decided that
we can use the grad offices as conference rooms when the
students haven't signed up for them. Come on up to 224.
[ everyone walks out. As they leave, two of the committee members
talk to each other]
COMM MEMBER 1: Video ceiling? What do we need that for?
COMM MEMBER 2: Research.
[ Shuffle chairs around aimlessly to set up for next scene.]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [Sieg 224 - similar to last scene. SNYDER, ETZIONI and
an AI STUDENT should be present. Committee is still on stage]
RACHEL: Okay, let's make the best of our new setting. The next
candidate is Larry Snyder.
SNYDER [LOOKING LIKE A MAD SCIENTIST]: This is all a mistake! I cannot
afford to become chair at this critical point in my
research. Why, only recently my group has established a study
of matriculating freshmen who are informed of what classes
they'll be TAing when they get to grad school. That way they
can be sure to take the appropriate courses and be well
prepared for their future TA assignments. We're currently
working on a system for tagging infants at birth and tracking
them throughout their educational career....
CB student: [RUNNING ON STAGE] Professor Snyder, we've done it!
We've found the gene that codes for TA capabilities! We
can start doing prenatal testing and planning TA
assignments while our future students are still in the
womb!
PLANT 2: Thank God I'm 143 negative!!
KEN YASUHARA: [SPEAKING FROM THE BAND, YELLING BACK AT PLANT 1]
Darn you!
COMM MEMBER 2: Why, that's not even computer science research!
Teaching! User studies!! Even biology!!! You're out of
touch with this department, Snyder. You're
disqualified.
SNYDER: Excellent, now I can return to the job of synthesizing the
perfect TA! [INSERT MANIACAL LAUGHTER] No one will ever
complain about late TA assignments again!
RACHEL: Uh.. oh-kay.. the next candidate is Oren Etzioni.
ETZIONI: [OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SPEAK BUT BEFORE HE CAN START...]
AI STUDENT: [ STANDING UP AND INTERRUPTING] No, wait!
Excuse me, there's something I'd like to read into record
before you consider Oren's candidacy.
[ THE ALPHA-BETA TANGO ]
[after T. Lehrer, "The Masochism Tango"]
[ Jeremy Buhler ]
Oren gave us a simple assignment:
Search a game tree with one small refinement
"Just prune it," he asked
"It's a trivial task
If you dance to the Alpha-Beta Tango"
But how can I write chess or Othello
When in Lisp I can't even print "hello"?
This night I feel
Will be spent with Guy Steele
As I dance to the Alpha-Beta Tango
Just one more ply,
I think I'm going to cry
Why did I take AI? [PAUSE FOR SOB]
They tell me it's required.
Oh woe is me,
I had a mate in three
But paused for a GC
And let my time expire!
Though my code's elegant and orthogonal,
It thinks rooks ought to move on diagonals. [SAY "DIOGONALS"]
The moves that I choose
Only serve to amuse
Which is why I am losing when we tango.
I used to dream
That the time wasn't far off
When I'd challenge Kasparov
It sounds crazy, I know
But today I still feel,
That my agent could beat him,
If I happened to meet him
And we played tic-tac-toe.
I should be advancing my research
But instead I am tweaking my tree search
For my score function's poor
And the office next door
Wipes the floor with my Alpha-Beta Tango
This project's hell!
I cons another cell
To count materiel
I'm down by half a pawn.
Then, in a trice,
My queen's been sacrificed
Now I must pay the price
And debug till the dawn...
["NOT AGAIN!"]
My agent's not rated "grandmaster"
But it's not quite a total disaster
Though it's hopeless, you see,
It plays better than me
When we dance to the Alpha-Beta Tango!
["OLE'!"]
[As the song ends, workmen and Notkin enter.]
WORKMAN: Excuse me, folks, but you're going to have to leave. We need
to install the IMAX theater in this room.
NOTKIN: But don't worry, I've found another great space for you to
use. It's actually a professor's office, but I'm sure Alan
Borning won't mind if you hold your auditions there.
[Everyone walks out. As they leave, two of the committee members talk
to each other]
COMM MEMBER 1: IMAX theater? What do we need that for?
COMM MEMBER 2: Research.
[ move chairs around to set up for next scene]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [BORNING's office - BORNING is already there, committee members,
profs, etc. enter]
BORNING: What? What's going on?
RACHEL: We had to move the auditions for the new department chair to
your office. They've thrown us out of the last two rooms
we've been using.
BORNING: Oh.. okay. [WORRIEDLY] That doesn't mean I have to audition,
does it?
RACHEL: No, no, no. We'll have to ask you to leave.
[committee members throw BORNING out. LEVY's audition begins
(silently) in BORNING's office. BORNING stands outside to sing his
song, assisted by random "protesters", students, etc (whoever will
sing)]
BORNING: Thank Gaia I avoided the chair. I can't fight the man if I
*am* the man! Come, gather round my urban warriors; let us
reach out to the energy fiends!
[ Alan Borning's Song ]
[After R. Zimmerman, "The Times They Are A-Changin'"]
[ Jeremey Buhler ]
Come all you car owners who love to pollute
You don't need to drive into work to compute
Get that car off the road, you can telecommute
Stop spewing your toxic contagion
Greet your clients in a bathrobe instead of a suit
For the times they are a-changin'
Come eager grad students who want PhD's
I've got so much to offer, just read my CV
I've done work named for colors of high frequency
And for birds found in southerly nations
UrbanSim is my project, the source code is free
Software licensing models are changing
Come lazy code monkeys, to work you are loath
Playing Quake will not model development growth
So get back to your Java, or I'm swearing an oath:
You'll be getting a visit from Michael
Your untimely demise I've entrusted to Noth
And what's left of you we can recycle
[harmonica solo]
My house has asbestos, it's been there for years
And I must wear a mask while the fibers I clear
But the darn thing won't fit 'till I shave off my beard
Though the thought of it gives me neurosis
I'll frighten my friends, they will think I look weird
And I'd almost prefer asbestosis
After all of my trials, some leave I am due
So I'm off to Australia to see Monash U.
All you folks in Seattle I'm leaving to stew
On the beach I will do my constrainin'
For it's summer Down Under when it's winter for you
And my climate won't be a-rainin'
[ after BORNING's song ends, he walks off and the focus shifts back to
the committee ]
RACHEL: Well, those are impressive credentials, Mr. Levy!
COMM MEMBER 1 [IN DR. CS&E STYLE]: Indeed! A Master's degree
in..
ALL: Computer Science & Engineering!
[This is a reference to the Stages of Life virus, which LEVY sent out.]
RACHEL: However, I think this is the wrong Stage of Life for you to
chair the department. Disqualified. Next is Dan Weld. Is Dan
here?
[ WELD's STUDENTS enter.]
STUDENT #1: Hi, we're Dan's students. Are we late?
STUDENT #2: We had trouble finding the room.
STUDENT #1: Dan just sent us email telling us we're supposed to come
audition for him because he can't make it. He did have
this message in his email:
[Nimble --> nimble, AdRelevance --> add relevance, Asta --> as to,
Netbot -> net but]
STUDENT #2 [RUSTLES NOTE AND READS]:
"With my *Nimble*, industry-experienced guidance, I will
*AdRelevance* to department research, pushing the envelope of
commercialization. I will make us a force on the *NetBot*
avoid the problems experienced by other dot-edus. *Asta*
teaching.. well, I'm sure somebody will find a market for it."
STUDENT #1: Well, uh, I think we need to get going. We need to get
back to writing the faculty skit.
[WELD'S STUDENTS leave, WORKMAN and NOTKIN enter.]
WORKMAN: Excuse me, but you're going to have to find someplace else to
meet. We need to install the 3D Urban Simulation environment
in here.
NOTKIN: But it's okay - I have one more place that you can meet. It's
very convenient, right by the entrance on the first floor.
The combination to get in is "one, two, three, four..."
[Everyone walks out. As they leave, two COMM MEMBERS talk to
each other]
COMM MEMBER 1: 3d Urban Simulation environment? What do we need that
for?
COMM MEMBER 2: Research.
[ move chairs around to set up for next scene]
---------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [the Coke Closet]
RACHEL: As you all know, the 10 year review committee made it very
clear that we need to consider some outside candidates. Our
next candidate is somebody named Vint Cerf.
COMM MEMBER 1: So Mr. Cerf, what have you done that disqualifies
you... uh.. I mean *qualifies* you for this position?
CERF: Well, for starters, I invented the Internet.
COMM MEMBER 1: Uh-huh, and I'm Al Gore. Seriously, what have you done?
CERF: [STUNNED] Well.. I was.. um.. also the basis for the main
character in Love Story.
COMM MEMBER 2: Who are you trying to fool? Get out of here...
[Cerf walks off, stammering and protesting...]
RACHEL: Okay, that seems to have fallen through. Who else can we
consider? Does anyone else know of any really strong external
candidates?
[Characters not on stage, esp. PLANTS, begin chanting "Ernst, Ernst,
Ernst,..." PLANTS in particular should try and get the audience to
chant as well.
Lights go down... ERNST enters walking a bike (with headlight)
wearing or carrying a bike helmet]
[Band starts a beat going and the song begins: One... MIT professor.
ERNST's striptease with backup singers]
[ One MIT Professor ]
[ To the tune of A Chorus Line: One ]
[ Steve Wolfman ]
ONE MIT professor
Whose presentations make you shout.
ONE faculty undresser
Letting it all hang out.
Invariably doing what nobody else can do
You'll want his dynamic assets in your chair, too
One pass of him and yessir
You can just forget the rest.
Notkin's boy is second best to none, hon.
Joo-ly!
Give him the election.
Do I
Really have to mention
Mike's the ONE!
VOTE ERNST
[ERNST finishes the striptease, striking some memorable pose.]
COMM MEMBER 1: [SKEPTICALLY] Um, thank you Dr. Ernst.
This... er... *performance* of yours reminds me
of something. Weren't you convicted of
pornography during your last year of grad school
here?
ERNST: What, you mean the calendar? No, of course not. The attorney
general ruled that those pictures were not pornographic. Is
this going to affect my candidacy? Am I going to have to call
in the local ACLU? I have connections, you know.
COMM MEMBER 2: Doctor Professor Ernst, there is a three-strikes
law in this state. After the calendar, the
incident with the penguin, and now this, I'm
afraid we really can't accept your candidacy.
ERNST: That's all right. Anyway, I really couldn't leave my position
as department chair at MIT.
[ WORKMEN and NOTKIN enter ]
WORKMAN: Excuse me, but you need to leave. We have to install the
Holodeck in this closet.
NOTKIN: I hate to do this to you, but we're really out of places for
you to meet. I suppose you could try Room 3, but I really
don't know what's down there these days.
RACHEL: That's okay. We had 10 or 15 more candidates, but I really
don't know how anyone can follow that last audition. I hereby
declare the auditions closed.
[Everyone walks out. As they leave, two COMM MEMBERS talk
to each other]
COMM MEMBER 1: The Holodeck? What do we need that for?
COMM MEMBER 2: [DONNING SUNGLASSES AND A LAURENCE FISHBURNE DEMEANOR]
No one can be told what the Holodeck is for. You have
to experience the Matrix on it to understand.
[ remove chairs to set up for voting scene ]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part III: TO THE POLLS
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[REPORTER and BEAME are still in the corner. The REPORTER moves
downstage center and speaks to the audience.]
REPORTER: At the conclusion of the auditions, Alon Halevy was the only
candidate who had failed to disqualify himself. The
official voting was still a necessary formality, but the
race seemed as clearcut as a faculty/grad softball game with
Ladner and Levy on sabbatical. But this election would be
as surprising as a Leveson-Sandys marriage, as surprising as
Shiva getting tenure, as surprising as Borning in an SUV!
Let's cut to the voting...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [voting. The voting booth is stage right, the exit pole is
stage left. Characters enter stage right, talk to the
machine, and exit as indicated below]
VOTER 1: Alon Halevy
C2K: Faster
VOTER 1: Alon Halevy
C2K: Slower
VOTER 1: Alon
C2k: Vote accepted.
[ VOTER 1 walks off stage, banging into the exit pole, stage left.]
C2K: [AS VOTER 1 EXITS] Alan Borning
Voter 2: Halevy
C2k: Vote accepted.
[ VOTER 2 walks around, bewildered, misses the pole, and ends up
exiting stage right. ]
C2K: [AS VOTER 2 EXITS] Hank Levy
Voter 3: Alon
C2K: Faster, no slower, no okay... Vote accepted.
[ VOTER 3 walks into the pole and exits stage left ]
C2K: Alan Borning
Voter 4: [SEES C2K AND BECOMES EXCITED] Oh.. man! It's one of those
new Chadless Two Thousands! Here goes.
Ahem, Halevy
[ both talk at the same, back and forth for a few exchanges]
C2K: Faster... slower... faster...
Voter 4: Halevy... Halevy... Halevy
C2K: Vote accepted
[ VOTER 4 walks past the pole, sees it, turns, smacks into it, and
then exits stage right ]
C2K: Hank Levy
VOTER 5: Anderson
C2K: I'm sorry, Commander Corin is not in the election.
VOTER 5: No, Richard Anderson.
C2K: What? Faster... no slower...
VOTER 5: Rich..ard... An..der..son
C2K: Vote accepted.
[ VOTER 5 stalks off stage left, missing the pole. ]
C2K: Alon Halevy
VOTER 6: Alon
C2K: Vote accepted
[ VOTER 6 exits stage left, hitting the pole. ]
C2K: Alan Borning
VOTER 7: Halevy
C2K: Vote accepted
[ VOTER 7 exits stage left, hitting the pole. ]
C2K: Hank Levy
--------------------------------------------------------------
[ back to REPORTER and BEAME. BEAME is scribbling on the
whiteboard, drawing diagrams of some sort ]
REPORTER: In a shocking display of electoral mismanagement, the voice
recognition voting machine selected by the CSE department
appeared to have misrecognized nearly every vote it
recorded. The election had turned more crooked than Notkin's
5000 sq. ft. *fifth* floor office. But I'm getting ahead of
myself... Let's do a quick recap of the exit polls..
POLL MASTER: Our first poll covers the chairman election [HOLDS UP SIGN].
98% Alon Halevy
1% ?
1%
An unprecedented 100% of those answering yes to the question
"Are you in Alon Halevy's address book?" voted for Alon
Levy. We asked them the reason why they voted the way the
did. The results [ANOTHER SIGN]:
1) Alon loves me (99%)
2) Alon who? (1%)
In another surprising exit poll, 11% of respondents said
they could not find the exit. A further 5% could not find
the poll. And an unprecedented 84% banged their shins on
the exit pole.
When asked whether they approved of this year's chair
candidates, 67% of respondents answered yes, 23% answered
no, and 10% were not sure.
Broken down by gender, 65.4% of the men answered yes, 23.5%
answered no, and 11.1% were unsure (with a margin of +/-
0.7%). Of the women, Linda, Rimli, and Anna said yes while
Barbara answered no and Susan was unsure.
56% of those polled could not find Seattle on a map. 23%
could not find it on a labeled map. 19% could not find it
on a map with the word "Seattle" written in big block
letters. 11% could not find it on a map of Seattle.
87% of respondents thought Ed did an excellent job as chair.
The same 87% believe they were once abducted by aliens who
performed horrible mind control experiments on them.
When asked to name a notable event under Ed's reign of
terror, 65% cited the introduction of the CSE building fund.
33% percent cited the Russians landing on the moon.
When asked what they wanted the new chair to accomplish, 52%
wanted a new building. 27% wanted to start a Rolly Chair
Olympics Organizing Committee. 14% wanted the CSE
department to attempt a CSE coup on the United States
government. And 7% wanted to construct a steam powered
Turing machine in the third floor hallway.
And that's all the results we have. Back to you...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part IV: THE CHAIR-ELECT
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: [ reporter and Paul Beame move center stage most of the rest of
the cast (faculty, etc) hangs out behind them ]
REPORTER: And that brings us up to date on this election night. We'll
be here with you live until all the results are in and the
CSE department has elected a new chair. [BECOMING
PROGRESSIVELY MORE EXCITED] Indeed, this race is still
tighter than a free, three keg TGIF on the fourth floor with
flashing lights, live entertainment, a massage club,
hundreds of unusably cool techno gadgets, lusty sheep, all
the men from the Men of Sieg Hall Caldendar, and a game of
pin the funding on the first-year prof!! [CATCHES BREATH]
Right now, with 73% of precincts reporting, it's a dead heat
between Alan Borning and Hank Levy. Alon Halevy, the only
candidate officially on the ballot, has received exactly one
vote.
[BEAME marches back and forth across stage carrying a sign reading
"MONTHS PASS". Everyone checks their watches.]
REPORTER: Well, we've finally received the results from all the
precincts and settled court challenges, yet this race is
still harder to predict than Lazowska's travel plans. We'll
have to wait for them to count absentee ballots from Wilson
Ceramics and the Systems group.
Based on their past voting records, we expect that the
Wilson Ceramics will be solidly in Borning's camp, while the
systems group will be behind Hank Levy, one of their own.
It's still going to be a tight race, but the Systems
absentee group is larger, so we'll have to wait and see...
LAZOWSKA: Wait just a minute. Hank can't be elected - he's on
sabbatical. If Hank is elected, I'm going to appoint
Frankye instead.
[Lots of back and forth arguing, increasing tempo and volume, descend
into madness. Each person should individually choose whether to yell
for: "Alon", "Borning", "Levy", or "Frankye", start yelling for his
or her candidate, cluster into groups with fellow X-supporters, and
generally look ornery.
HALEVY will stand above the confusion. BORNING will pull for anyone
*but* himself. BEAME continues scribbling on his board.
After a while, we continue to BEAME...]
BEAME: [ JUMPS UP, WAVING THE WHITEBOARD, WHICH SAYS "UNDECIDABLE"
"UNDECIDABLE"
"UNDECIDABLE"]
I've proved it! The election is undecidable! There's a
simple reduction from the Post Election Correspondence
problem!
LAZOWSKA: [PLAYED BY ERNST, DRESSED AS HE WAS AT THE END OF HIS
AUDITION, PLUS SANTA HAT AND SIGN FROM THE FIRST SCENE]
Okay, folks, I only have 43 seconds left as chair. We
*really* need to choose a new chair right away.
[ lots of muttering, grumbling, etc ]
HALEVY: [TRYING TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION - THEY GRADUALLY QUIET DOWN.]
I'd *like* to be chair.
ALL: Really? You *want* to be chair?!
HALEVY: Yeah, I like emailing lots of people. I could be chair.
LAZOWSKA: Well then, I guess you're wearing the pants in this family
now.
Come on, everyone join in now.
[ the cast comes forward to sing the finale ]
[ I Just Mailed To Send ILOVEYOU (reprise) ]
[After S. Wonder, "I Just Called to Say I Love You"]
[ Jeremy Buhler ]
No gaping holes
In Win 2K
No cheesy songs for skits before the holidays
No coffee bar
To keep so neat
No sounds of hammering and drilling through concrete
No building plans
No search for chairs
No cries for help with linear time-invariant stairs
But what it is
Will cause such dread
It's even worse than all the usual spam from Ed
[AND NOW, AMAZING KEY CHANGE #1!]
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
I just mailed to say your files are gone
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
Be more careful with attachments from now on
[AND, AS THE ENSEMBLE TAKES OVER, AMAZING KEY CHANGE #2!]
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
I just mailed to say your files are gone ["THEY'RE GONE!"]
I just mailed to send ILOVEYOU
Be more careful with attachments from Alon
From Alon
From Alon
--------------------------------------------------------------
[Tom Green played "The Chad" in Charlie's Angels.]
Credits (in order of appearance):
THE CAST
Reporter................................Janet Davis
Paul Beame..............................Matthew Cary
Lazowska................................Mike Ernst
Mike Ernst..............................Richard Dunn
10 Year Committee Head..................Steve Swanson
10 Year Committee Members...............Yana Kadiyska
...............Vibha Sazawal
...............Julie Goldberg
...............Molly Bostic
...............Sarah Schwarm
Plant #1................................Doug Zongker
Plant #2................................Frank McSherry
Plant #3................................Justin Campbell
Plant #4................................Lindsay's Papyrus
David Notkin............................Craig Kaplan & The Beard
Rachel Pottinger (Search Cmte Head).....Herself
Committee Member #1.....................Maria Gullickson
Committee Member #2.....................Jason Hartline
First-year student......................Yana Kadiyska
The Band................................Shawn Bonham &
................................Jeff Hightower &
................................Ken Yasuhara &
................................Adam MacBeth &
................................Sarah Schwarm
Gaetano Boriello........................Jeremy Buhler
Pedro Domingos..........................Alex Mohr
Alon "Lovemonster" Halevy...............Zack "Loverboy" Ives
Database Group..........................Themselves..
................................Rachel Pottinger &
................................Zack Ives &
................................Isaac "Zook" Kunen &
................................Maya Rodrig &
................................Pradeep Shenoy &
................................Ashish Gupta
Workman.................................Gary "Buy a Vowel" Yngve
Larry Snyder............................Aaron Shon
Computation biology student.............Steve Swanson
Ken Yasuhara............................Himself (still)
Oren Etzioni............................Tammy VanDeGrift
AI Student..............................Steve Wolfman
Alan Borning............................Michael Noth
Hank Levy and Tom Anderson..............Andy Collins
The Code Monkeys/Urban Warriors.........Jeremy Buhler &
................................Rachel Pottinger &
................................Steve Wolfman &
................................Vibha Sazawal &
................................Tammy VanDeGrift &
................................Isaac "Zook" Kunen &
................................Sarah Schwarm &
................................Zack Ives &
................................Julie Goldberg
Hank Levy...............................Julie Goldberg
All.....................................Themselves
Dan's student #1........................Sarah Schwarm
Dan's student #2........................Tessa Lau
Vint Cerf...............................Andrew Whitaker
The Chorus Line.........................Rachel Pottinger &
.........................Tammy VanDeGrift &
.........................Isaac Kunen &
.........................Steve Wolfman &
.........................Sarah Schwarm
The Penguin.............................MR. WHIFFLES
The Chadless 2000.......................Tim James
The Chad................................Tom Green
The Exit Pole...........................Itself
Voter #1................................Vibha Sazawal
Voter #2................................Julie Goldberg
Voter #3................................Sarah Schwarm
Voter #4................................Steve Wolfman
Voter #5................................Molly Bostic
Voter #6................................Tammy VanDeGrift
Voter #7................................Yana Kadiyska
Poll Master.............................Isaac Kunen
Frankye Jones...........................Herself (in absentia)
Reprise Group...........................Full Cast
The Audience............................The UW CSE Department!
THE BAND
Acoustic/Electric Guitar................Shawn Bonham
Percussion, Bass Guitar, and Vocals.....Jeff Hightower
Percussion..............................Adam MacBeth
Keyboard................................Sarah Schwarm
Acoustic/Electric Guitar................Ken Yasuhara
TECHNICAL CREW
Holiday party coordinator...............Vibha Sazawal
Holiday skit coordinator................Isaac Kunen
Writers.................................Richard Dunn &
.................................Sarah Schwarm &
.................................Steve Wolfman and
.................................Large CSE Subset
Faculty Skit Writers....................Daniel S. Weld
.................................Richard Anderson
Song team...............................Jeremy Buhler and
...............................Ken Yasuhara and
...............................Steve Wolfman and
...............................Craig Kaplan &
...............................Doug Zongker
Stage Manager...........................Sarah Schwarm
Props...................................Sarah Schwarm and
...................................Vibha Sazawal
Best Dolly Grip Boy.....................Cmdr. Corin Anderson
Credits.................................Steve Wolfman
How to do Movie Credits...............
......http://www.salonmag.com/ent/feature/1998/10/09feature.html
"None" by Ken Yasuhara
Parody of U2's "One"
HighTower Records
"I Just Mailed to Send ILOVEYOU" by Jeremy Buhler
Parody of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called"
Buhler, Buhler, Anyone Inc.
"The Alpha-Beta Tango" by Jeremy Buhler
Parody of Tom Lehrer's (parody) "The Masochism Tango"
Buhler, Buhler, Anyone Inc.
"Alan Borning's Song" by Jeremy Buhler
Parody of Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'"
Buhler, Buhler, Anyone Inc.
"One MIT Professor" by Steve Wolfman
Parody of A Chorus Line's "One"
Howling in the Studio
No animals were harmed in the making of this skit. Any apparent harm
was purely fictional and created by advanced special effects. However,
various animals (including, but not limited to, Fauna NMI Xerxon, Jax
von Jevon, Greta, Pixel, and Sprite) got scratched and petted and
generally loved.
THE END
(Next Year in the Urban Horticulture Center)
--------------------------------------------------------------
props list:
hard hat(s)
tool belt
electoral map
little white board
bike
bike helmet
tearaway pants
santa hat (for richard as ernst as ed)
voting booth
whip
water pitcher / name placards / mics
exit pole - candy cane striped if at all possible
signs for settings, characters
- Mike Ernst and Lazowska, with a kick-me sign hanging off it
- large pad with settings on it, indicating scene changes
(for Paul Beame)
- list of candidates (names crossed out as we go)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
Department of Computer Science & Engineering University of Washington Box 352350 Seattle, WA 98195-2350 (206) 543-1695 voice, (206) 543-2969 FAX [comments to corin] |